Skunk Hunt: Part 1

As my screenplays are getting longer and longer, I can no longer fit them in one post.  Well, I could, but it would be even more absurdly long than it already is.  So for the first installment:

Skunk hunt

A lifted and loud yellow pickup comes around a turn, taking out almost an entire family of skunks. The redneck inside yells out rednecky stuff.

The sole surviving skunk walks to its mother and begins sniffing at her and obviously trying to wake her up. When he fails, he crawls to a nearby stream to drink. The camera pans up to look across the river to a pair of nuclear cooling towers on the opposite bank.

Flash to credits

A field. “Eight years later” displayed. Camera pans to back of Farmhand standing looking down. Dairy Farmer arrives in beat-up pick-up and steps out, then turns to retrieve lever action rifle. Camera to face of Farmhand as Dairy Farmer walks up behind them.

Dairy Farmer: “What happened?”

Farmhand: “Looks like some animals got a slew of them.”

Dairy Farmer: “Got a count yet?”

Farmhand: “Looks like a dozen head at least.”

Camera to back of men.

Dairy Farmer: “I'm calling the Sheriff.”

Dairy Farmer hands Farmhand rifle. “See if there's any alive and put 'em down.”

Farmhand: “Sure thing, boss. Hey. Do you smell skunk?”

Dairy Farmer: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”

Dairy Farmer walks back to truck as Farmhand walks forward, chambering a round. Camera pans away to show a dozen mutilated cows.

Sheriff's office.

Dairy Farmer: “I told you that shelter was a bad idea. You can't just pick up drop-off dogs after they've gone feral and hope to give them homes!”

Sheriff: “Now, Farmer, you and I both know Vet's got more sense than that. Dammit, she’s my daughter! She only collects strays from in town.”

Dairy Farmer: “But then she went off to that college. Daughter or not, city folk don't know crap about country life. And what kind of shape are her kennels in if ten dogs can escape in one night?”

Deputy enters.

Deputy: “I'm afraid they’re in pretty bad shape, actually. We found the breach.”

Deputy drops a sawn-through padlock on the desk.

Deputy: “It looks like someone let them out. That's from the main gate. She keeps the keys to the individual kennel locks in her desk drawer. The lock to it was busted.”

Sheriff: “Let me guess, the door wasn't broken.”

Deputy: “Nope.”

Sheriff: “Inside job?”

Deputy: “Her aide is missing.”

Dairy Farmer: “How many dogs?”

Sheriff: “Veterinarian is still working on a count, but it looks like around 10.”

Dairy Farmer: “Any leads on the perps?”

Deputy: “'Fraid not.”

Dairy Farmer turns to leave.

Dairy Farmer: “Sheriff, I lost almost $35,000 in stock last night. They better hope you find them first!”

Somewhere in the woods.

Ditsy Intern (a.k.a. PETA chick A): “We've got to keep moving.”

PETA guy 1: “It'd be easier if they all didn't have to mark every tree in the forest.”

PETA chick A: “Oh, shut up. Everything is still going as planned.”

PETA guy 2: “Where in the plan did it mention the van breaking down and having to herd a dozen dogs through twenty miles of woods?”

PETA chick B (in high pitched ditzy voice): “You know what? How 'bout we take the poor animals here back to the pound to be euthanized? Or better yet, maybe you'd like to hit them all over the heads with rocks right now? Hey, I hear a river. Maybe we could stick them all in a sack and toss them in that!”

PETA chick A: “Come on, we're wasting time.”

PETA chicks A & B turn with flounces of hair. PETA guys 1 & 2 fall back.

PETA guy 1: “I'd drown them in a heartbeat to get out of these woods.”

PETA guy 2: “Me, too. Why the crap did we ever sign up for this?”

PETA guy 1 (staring at PETA chick B's butt): “Same reason any frat guy signs up for these idiotic movements. 'Cause they're friggin' hot and fairly slutty.”

PETA guy 2 : “Oh, right. I suppose pounding the dogs' skulls in might reduce our chances of fun in the tents tonight.”

PETA guy 1: “Probably. But seriously, bro, next time, let's just see how far we can get with pink ribbons.”

PETA chick B turns and beckons.

PETA chick B: “Come on! We need to make the county line by sundown!”

PETA guy 2 (watching PETA chick B's pleasant bouncing): “Save the ta-tas.”

PETA guy 1: “Damn straight.”

Veterinarian's office

Veterinarian: “I can't believe I fell for the ditsy intern act!”

Deputy: “C'mon, now, Veterinarian, how could you have known she was a tree-hugging hippie?”

Veterinarian: “Well, she did have a Greenpeace bumper sticker on her hybrid.”

Deputy: “Well, yeah then, you probably should seen that coming.”

Veterinarian: “Sob! I'm so stupid!”

Deputy: “No, you're not! You went to vet school while I, your high school sweetheart, decided to forego college and go to the police academy! By the way, I'm so glad you returned to your home town.”

Veterinarian: “Don't get your hopes for a rekindling of our childhood romance up yet. Although I know the reason you went into law enforcement was to impress my father.”

Deputy: “Yes. For now, let's work on catching these scum-bags.”

Veterinarian: “The thing is, I pulled the files on the dogs. I'm trying to figure out how three chihuahuas, two beagles, four dachshunds, and a poodle could kill a dozen cows.”

Deputy: “Well, chihuahuas can be vicious.”

Chicken farm

Chicken Farmer: “I don't get it. I mean we've had raccoons before, but I ain't never seen one what could bite a chicken clean in half.”

Sheriff: “Well, we think there's some dogs loose in these parts.”

Chicken Farmer: “Well, I ain't never seen a dog what could bite a chicken clean in half, either.”

Sheriff: “Well, despite your misgivings, I will continue to chalk all livestock killings up to the dogs. By the way, do you smell skunk?”

Chicken Farmer: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”

Forest

PETA guy 1: “Hey, weren't there 10 dogs?”

PETA chick A: “Yes.”

PETA guy 1: “I only count 9.”

PETA guy 2: “Yeah, where's the poodle?”

PETA chick B: “Her name is Cuddles!”

PETA chick A: “Well, someone needs to go look for her.”

PETA guy 1: “I'm sure PETA guy 2 can find her.”

PETA guy 2: “I friggin' hate you. You know that, right?”

PETA chick B: “Go find her or you're not sleeping in my tent!”

PETA guy 2: “Really, really hate you.”

PETA guy 2 goes off to search for Cuddles. After a couple minutes of stumbling around, he comes across the bloody corpse of the poodle.

PETA guy 2: “Hey guys!”

Skunk: “Ominous growl.”

PETA guy 2: “Um, guys?”

Skunk: “Ominous growl closer.”

PETA guy 2: “HEY! GUYS!!!”

Skunk: “AAAARRRRR!!!”

Skunk appears out of woods.

PETA guy 2: “AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

Cut to PETA People. People hears screams and runs back. Skunk is gone, as is poodle and PETA guy 2.

PETA guy 1: “Hey, where'd he go?”

PETA chick B: “PETA guy 2!!! PETA guy 22222222!!!!!”

PETA chick A: “Um, does that look like PETA guy 2’s Birkenstock to you?”

PETA guy 1: “Maybe.”

PETA chick B: “Hey, do you guys smell skunk?”

PETA guy 1: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”

PETA chick A: “I'm scared. We need to get back to the rest of the pack. I'm sure PETA guy 2 is just screwing with us.”

PETA chick B: “He's so not sleeping with me tonight.”

PETA People returns to other dogs and sets up camp.

Chicken Farmer's farm. Chicken Farmer hears commotion.

Chicken Farmer: “I got that danged coon this time!”

Chicken farmer grabs double barrel shotgun and charges out door. Coming face to face with Skunk, he proceeds to fire both barrels before being sprayed in face. Spray is super-charged acid that mostly sludges him.

Chicken Farmer: “AAAAHHHH!!!!”