A lone Eskimo
crosses a frozen landscape on a dog sled. To the left, a crevasse
opens, blowing snow into the air. The Eskimo pulls the reins and
goes over to investigate. As he crouches down to peer inside the
crevasse, the dogs whimper and turn restless. Seeing nothing, he
turns to the dogs.
Eskimo 1: “Easy
boys, there’s nothing in here. See?” Points his arm into the
crevasse.
Suddenly, his arm
is pulled into the crevasse. After a brief struggle, the Eskimo
pulls back, missing his arm. He falls onto the ice.
Eskimo 1:
“AAAAAHHHH!!!”
Zoom out as the
Eskimo is pulled by his legs into the crevasse.
Lobby
of Park building
Park Ranger: “Look,
I can’t let you go out there. Your uncle’s probably just hit a
snag.”
Eskimo chick: “But
the storm front’s moving in!”
Ranger: “I know
there’s a front on the way. That’s why I can’t let you go.”
Eskimo chick: “If
we don’t find him by the time it hits, he’ll never have a
prayer.”
Ranger: “Your
uncle is the best half-crazy recluse I’ve ever met. And I’ve met
a lot of them. Come to think of it, most of them shortly before they
disappeared in that neck of the woods, never to be seen again. Seems
like that should make me ask more questions, but I’m a government
employee.”
Eskimo chick: “If
he dies, I’ll never forgive you.”
Ranger: “Just go
sit over there with that pipeline protestor, his slutty girlfriend,
the stuffy businessman, the ruggedly handsome scientist and the South
American guy who won’t take off his overcoat.”
Eskimo chick:
“Okay, but if a nun and rabbi walk in, I’m leaving.”
Lobby
Eskimo chick: “So
what makes you keep looking?”
Cryptozoologist: “I
know it sounds crazy, but I’m convinced there are animals out there
nobody’s seen.”
Ranger: “Look,
the only thing that’s out there is a lot of ice and snow.”
Hippie: “And not
as much of it as there used to be!”
Eskimo chick: “You
do know that the Arctic ice pack is up 10 million square kilometers
this year, right?”
Hippie: “That’s
just what big oil pays a bunch of scientists to say!”
Stuffy businessman:
“I am big oil! We don't pay our scientists jack. It all goes to
our engineers. And I don't have to stand for this. I'm leaving.”
Ranger: “You
can't leave! It's 40 below out there!”
Stuffy businessman:
“Watch me.”
Stuffy
businessman walks out door.
Lobby
Stuffy Businessman's body is smeared across windows.
Slutty girlfriend:
“Why is this happening no? To us?”
Hippie: “It’s
global warming! It’s thawing out the polar ice cap. Who knows
what unholy creatures are frozen in this wasteland!”
Eskimo chick: “You
do know there has been no increase in global temperature since 1998,
right?”
Hippie: “It’s
only going to get worse as the caps continue to melt!”
Eskimo chick: “10
million square kilometers.”
Hippie: “I can't
hear you. Lalalalala.”
Suspicious: “Maybe
they drilled into a cave while they were setting up the pipeline.”
Crypto: “Or it
could just be that Alaska is over 600,000 square miles. That’s a
lot of land no one’s ever seen. Stands to reason there’s an
animal or two no one’s ever seen out here, too.”
Eskimo chick (in
chilling deadpan): “Especially if it kills everyone who comes
across it.”
Crypto: “Exactly.”
Ranger (walking out
of office): “I think you should see something. I don't think it's
just happening now, after all.”
Office
Group gathers
around desk with antiquated log books spread out all over it.
Ranger: “See,
people have been disappearing around here ever since they opened this
station. This station has more failed search and rescue missions
than any other. I don't know why no one's ever put this together.”
Crypto: “Umm, the
same government efficiency that put 15 chalets in an area unfit for
human habitation? And probably paid $5000 a square foot?”
Eskimo chick: “So
how does a cold-blooded creature like that function in cold?”
Hippie: “It’s
getting warmer! I keep telling you! I’m super cereal!”
Eskimo chick:
“1998! Fifteen years!”
Hippie: “Lies and
heresies.”
Crypto: “Would
you two quit? Look, there’s a lot of fish that live in absurd
temperatures in the ocean. They’re cold-blooded, too.”
Main lobby of lodge
Everyone:
“AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”
Croc: “Rawwwrrr!!!!
Eskimo chick: “What
do we do?”
Hippie: “I know!”
breaks case open and grabs fire extinguisher “I’ll cool
him down! With his cold-blooded system, he’ll go into
hibernation!”
Crypto: “You
don’t see a problem with this plan? Trying to freeze an Arctic
creature?”
Hippie: “I know
what I’m doing! I made a C in Bio 1120!”
Croc bites Hippie
in half, eating the bottom and throwing the top across the room in a
gratuitously bloody gesture.
Ranger: “Oh my
God, it killed Hippie!”
Crypto: “That
bastard!”
Ranger: “Look,
I’ll distract it.” Throws hippie’s slutty girlfriend
towards it.
Slutty: “Ahhhh!!!!”
Gets viciously dismembered.
Ranger: “It
worked! Now everyone run for the bathroom!”
Group dashes to
restroom door. Polar croc snaps at Suspicious guy’s coat, snagging
it. Group pulls Suspicious out of coat, over his protests.
Inside the
bathroom
Eskimo chick: “That
thing had a knife sticking out of its jaw. I recognized the handle.”
Crypto: “Oh, no…”
Eskimo chick:
“Uncle Eskimo…”
Crypto: “I’m so
sorry. I just want you to know I’m here to take advantage of your
emotional state.”
Eskimo chick: “I
appreciate that.”
Suspicious: “I
wish I was dead. The cartel will kill me once they find out I lost
the jacket.”
Ranger: “You’re
a smuggler?!?!”
Crypto: “Really?
You’re just now figuring that out?”
Eskimo chick:
“Yeah, why did you think everyone was avoiding him?”
Ranger: “I don’t
get it! Precisely how was sneaking 100 pounds of marijuana from
Mexico into the US by way of Russia and a hike across the Behring
Straight the easiest way to do things?”
Suspicious: “I
don’t know! I’m a loser dumb enough to let a guy cram 5 kilos of
heroin up my--!”
Ranger: “Quiet!”
Crypto: “Seriously?
I’m pretty sure it knows we’re in here.”
Ranger: “Then why
has it stopped hitting at the door?”
Lobby
Bathroom door
slowly opens and Ranger steps outside. As he stares, Polar Croc
turns, eyes wide. Croc takes step towards the door, then falls.
Ranger slowly walks up to snout, then gingerly nudges it with foot.
Crypto steps outside.
Crypto: “What the
crap?”
Ranger: “I don’t
get it.”
Crypto shines
flash light into Croc’s eyes.
Crypto: “His
pupils…they’re fixed… and dilated.”
Ranger: “Almost
like he’s…”
Eskimo chick:
“…stoned?” Holds up Suspicious’s shredded coat.
Crypto: “Watch
what you eat, I guess.”
Ranger: “How long
do you think it’s going to be out?”
Crypto: “Well,
he’s about 30 feet long, so with an unknown body mass, no way of
knowing the dosage and a complete lack of understanding how his
metabolism functions, yet somehow I still feel quite confident in
saying 30 minutes.”
Ranger: “Well, I
suggest we not be around when he wakes up.”
Eskimo: “And
where do you suggest we go? We’re still in the middle of a
whiteout.”
Crypto walks to fire ax in glass case. He returns with the ax and
with gory efficiency, decapitates the creature as other characters
look on in shock.
Crypto (wiping blood from face): “Or we could just kill it
while it's incapacitated.”
Ranger: “I thought you wanted to protect rare animals.”
Crypto: “I want to study them. I can study a dead animal if I'm
alive. It doesn't work so well the other way around.”
Ranger: “You just eradicated an endangered species! In a US Parks
building! How am I supposed to explain that in my incident report?”
Crypto: “Just put that I protected the area polar bears.”
Park Chalet
Eskimo chick: “At least these chalets are decent. And we have it
all to ourselves.”
Crypto: “Where did Ranger go, anyway?”
Eskimo chick: “I heard Suspicious say something about still having
a few baggies left.”
Long romantic pause as they sit in front on fire place.
Eskimo chick: “I'm glad you decided to stay.”
Crypto: “Well, there's 12 feet of snow everywhere, so I'm not sure
I had any options. But if it helps me get lucky...”
Eskimo chick: “Thank you for avenging my uncle. I know it must
have gone against every fiber of you to kill the last of a kind.”
Crypto: “I know a good geneticist. I figure we can always clone
it. That way we can study it under controlled circumstances.”
Eskimo chick: “I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong
with that.”
