Skunk Hunt: Part 4

All good things must come to an end.  Including what may very well be the best mutant skunk screenplay ever written.

Field. Estranged Father and Deputy sit in elevated varminting blind.

Estranged Father: “I’m glad you gave me a chance put things right.”

Deputy: “Let’s not make this more than it is. You have a long way to go.”

Estranged Father: “I know. But thanks for at least giving me a start.”

Deputy: “Let’s just kill this thing.”

Deputy peers through infared binoculars.

Estranged Father: “Night vision?”

Deputy: “Infrared. Picks up heat even behind the trees.”

Estranged Father: “Long way from jack-lighting.”

Deputy: “Shhh. I see something.”

PETA chick 1 runs out of tree line.

Deputy: “PETA chick 1, what the hell are you doing here?”

PETA chick 1: “I can’t let you kill it! It’s a one of a kind creature. It needs to be protected.”

Deputy: “Look, as long as it’s around here, we’re the endangered species.”

Estranged Father (muttering): “’Cause that line’s never been used.” (Out loud) “Will you shut her up?”

Deputy: “Ma’am, I’m gonna have to arrest you if you don’t calm down and be quiet.”

PETA chick 1: “I will not be quiet! I will not stand for this eradication of what could be called an entirely new species! I’ve even already named it! Skunkus maximus.”

Deputy (muttering to Estranged Father): “And you think I’m unoriginal.”

Estranged Father: “Would you just bitch-slap her? It always worked on your momma!”

Deputy: “And you wonder why the whole town thinks you’re a dick. I can’t hit a woman!”

Veterinarian: “I can!”

Veterinarian hits PETA chick 1 in back of head with rifle butt.

Veterinarian: “Damn, that felt good!”

Deputy: “Where’d you come from…again?”

Veterinarian: “That thing killed my father. I want a chance at it, too. I brought Daddy’s old deer gun.”

Skunk runs out of woods.

Skunk: “AAAARRRR!!!!”

Estranged Father: “Hit the jack-lights!”

Deputy flicks switches. Spotlights shine on skunk, stunning it. Estranged father lines up for shot. Spotlights go out just as Estranged Father fires, causing him to miss.

Deputy: “What the—“

Deputy looks down to see PETA chick 1 holding battery cables.

PETA chick 1: “I can’t let you kill it!”

PETA chick 1 runs toward skunk.

PETA chick 1: “Run, fluffy skunk, RUN!

Deputy: “Veterinarian! Get those cables plugged back in.”

Veterinarian plugs cables back in. Spotlights come on just in time to see Skunk rip PETA chick 1 in half in claws.

Veterinarian: “Thing finally did something useful, at least.”

Deputy: “Take the shot, Estranged Father!”

Before Estranged Father can fire, Skunk whips around and fires acid blast at blind. Estranged father jumps in front of Deputy, taking majority of spray. Some spray hits base of blind, and blind falls to ground.

Deputy: “Dad!”

Estranged Father: “**Cough** You called me ‘Dad’. I never thought I’d hear that.”

Deputy: “Hang on, Dad, we’ll get you to the hospital.”

Estranged Father: “Given that everything below my waist is already dissolved, I’m not sure that’ll do much good.”

Veterinarian: “You killed my father, prepare to die!”

Veterinarian fires at skunk. Skunk turns and grabs Veterinarian in mouth.

Deputy (muttering): “Did she really just say that?”

Estranged Father: “**Gasp** Kill it for me.”

Deputy: “I can’t shoot as good as you!”

Skunk turns and starts to trot away.

Veterinarian: “Help!!!”

Estranged Father: “The hell you can’t! I taught you everything I know! GO!!!!”

Deputy grabs rifle and runs after skunk. Skunk pulls away, but comes up against road. Skunk rears up. Deputy shoots skunk in head, but bullet ricochets off. Skunk drops Veterinarian in surprise. Veterinarian runs back toward Deputy. Skunk turns to fire.

Deputy: “Smile, you son of a bitch!”

Deputy fires, camera goes to bullet view as bullet flies into Skunk’s eye. Zoom out as Skunk sprays one last blast wildly into trees, starting them ablaze. Veterinarian stumbles to Deputy as he drops the rifle to catch her. Zoom close to couple. After a few moments, they rise to walk away.

Deputy: “This is going to be a butt-load of paperwork.

Veterinarian: “Can’t we just go comfort each other of our fathers’ untimely and horrific deaths?”

Deputy: “I suppose paperwork can wait.”

Deputy and Veterinarian continue to walk silently as camera pans out behind them.

Deputy: “One thing I don’t get, though.”

Veterinarian: “Hmm?”

Deputy: “At the end. It didn’t just eat you or kill you. It started to carry you off. Where do you think it was going to take you? Come to think of it, we never found PETA guy 2.”

Veterinarian: “I don’t care. I’m just interested in where you’re going to take me.”

Fade out to abandoned barn. Baby skunks whine and cuddle. Camera zooms out to show that babies are already 40 pounds. From under the pile, a single leg with a Birkenstock on it sticks out.