Saturday, August 25, 2012

Lady 4

After a false alarm this morning, it occurs to me that I really haven't posted anything in regards to the lump.  I'm sure it's a combination of factors, but I think my elder brother is right about middle children getting the short end of the stick.  This statement does, of course, presume that there will be a third child, however that seems to be a safe assumption.

Perhaps the biggest contributing factor to my unfortunate lack of prenatal attention is that the beloved has been doing so much better this time around.  With the lack of gestational diabetes comes a lack of biweekly ultrasounds.  Due to that, we have no idea at all what the newest addition to our family will look like.

Well, we do know she has hair, and will therefore be abnormally cute.  Although after today, there isn't a guarantee that there will not be a labor-squished head, which would cut down on the cuteness.

I guess fatherhood is one of those many experiences in life that one just gets used to.  Sad, but true.  It brings to mind the first time I got to use "Stat!"  My fellow student and I agreed it was kind of neat...until day three or so.

On the other hand, there are still times when I see the lump scoot around or hiccup or kick at her elder sibling and find myself amazed that in a couple weeks, I will get to see the 4th lady of my life for the first time.

Skunk Hunt: Part 4

All good things must come to an end.  Including what may very well be the best mutant skunk screenplay ever written.


Field. Estranged Father and Deputy sit in elevated varminting blind.

Estranged Father: “I’m glad you gave me a chance put things right.”

Deputy: “Let’s not make this more than it is. You have a long way to go.”

Estranged Father: “I know. But thanks for at least giving me a start.”

Deputy: “Let’s just kill this thing.”

Deputy peers through infared binoculars.

Estranged Father: “Night vision?”

Deputy: “Infrared. Picks up heat even behind the trees.”

Estranged Father: “Long way from jack-lighting.”

Deputy: “Shhh. I see something.”

PETA chick 1 runs out of tree line.

Deputy: “PETA chick 1, what the hell are you doing here?”

PETA chick 1: “I can’t let you kill it! It’s a one of a kind creature. It needs to be protected.”

Deputy: “Look, as long as it’s around here, we’re the endangered species.”

Estranged Father (muttering): “’Cause that line’s never been used.” (Out loud) “Will you shut her up?”

Deputy: “Ma’am, I’m gonna have to arrest you if you don’t calm down and be quiet.”

PETA chick 1: “I will not be quiet! I will not stand for this eradication of what could be called an entirely new species! I’ve even already named it! Skunkus maximus.”

Deputy (muttering to Estranged Father): “And you think I’m unoriginal.”

Estranged Father: “Would you just bitch-slap her? It always worked on your momma!”

Deputy: “And you wonder why the whole town thinks you’re a dick. I can’t hit a woman!”

Veterinarian: “I can!”

Veterinarian hits PETA chick 1 in back of head with rifle butt.

Veterinarian: “Damn, that felt good!”

Deputy: “Where’d you come from…again?”

Veterinarian: “That thing killed my father. I want a chance at it, too. I brought Daddy’s old deer gun.”

Skunk runs out of woods.

Skunk: “AAAARRRR!!!!”

Estranged Father: “Hit the jack-lights!”

Deputy flicks switches. Spotlights shine on skunk, stunning it. Estranged father lines up for shot. Spotlights go out just as Estranged Father fires, causing him to miss.

Deputy: “What the—“

Deputy looks down to see PETA chick 1 holding battery cables.

PETA chick 1: “I can’t let you kill it!”

PETA chick 1 runs toward skunk.

PETA chick 1: “Run, fluffy skunk, RUN!

Deputy: “Veterinarian! Get those cables plugged back in.”

Veterinarian plugs cables back in. Spotlights come on just in time to see Skunk rip PETA chick 1 in half in claws.

Veterinarian: “Thing finally did something useful, at least.”

Deputy: “Take the shot, Estranged Father!”

Before Estranged Father can fire, Skunk whips around and fires acid blast at blind. Estranged father jumps in front of Deputy, taking majority of spray. Some spray hits base of blind, and blind falls to ground.

Deputy: “Dad!”

Estranged Father: “**Cough** You called me ‘Dad’. I never thought I’d hear that.”

Deputy: “Hang on, Dad, we’ll get you to the hospital.”

Estranged Father: “Given that everything below my waist is already dissolved, I’m not sure that’ll do much good.”

Veterinarian: “You killed my father, prepare to die!”

Veterinarian fires at skunk. Skunk turns and grabs Veterinarian in mouth.

Deputy (muttering): “Did she really just say that?”

Estranged Father: “**Gasp** Kill it for me.”

Deputy: “I can’t shoot as good as you!”

Skunk turns and starts to trot away.

Veterinarian: “Help!!!”

Estranged Father: “The hell you can’t! I taught you everything I know! GO!!!!”

Deputy grabs rifle and runs after skunk. Skunk pulls away, but comes up against road. Skunk rears up. Deputy shoots skunk in head, but bullet ricochets off. Skunk drops Veterinarian in surprise. Veterinarian runs back toward Deputy. Skunk turns to fire.

Deputy: “Smile, you son of a bitch!”

Deputy fires, camera goes to bullet view as bullet flies into Skunk’s eye. Zoom out as Skunk sprays one last blast wildly into trees, starting them ablaze. Veterinarian stumbles to Deputy as he drops the rifle to catch her. Zoom close to couple. After a few moments, they rise to walk away.

Deputy: “This is going to be a butt-load of paperwork.

Veterinarian: “Can’t we just go comfort each other of our fathers’ untimely and horrific deaths?”

Deputy: “I suppose paperwork can wait.”

Deputy and Veterinarian continue to walk silently as camera pans out behind them.

Deputy: “One thing I don’t get, though.”

Veterinarian: “Hmm?”

Deputy: “At the end. It didn’t just eat you or kill you. It started to carry you off. Where do you think it was going to take you? Come to think of it, we never found PETA guy 2.”

Veterinarian: “I don’t care. I’m just interested in where you’re going to take me.”

Fade out to abandoned barn. Baby skunks whine and cuddle. Camera zooms out to show that babies are already 40 pounds. From under the pile, a single leg with a Birkenstock on it sticks out.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Skunk Hunt: Part 3

You know you have no life when it takes you a week and a half to post something you've already written.  But, better late than never:



Field. Deputy and Veterinarian in back of pickup. Veterinarian is shining floodlight across field as Deputy scans with bolt action rifle.

Veterinarian: “There's a lot of fields in this area. What are the chances it'll show up in this one?”

Deputy: “Well, we can't cover them all. This is the closest to Chicken Farmer's place and past that is Dairy Farmer's. If the skunk doubles back, we'll be right in line.”

Veterinarian: “You said your dad left. What happened to him?”

Deputy: “Well, you remember how he worked at Kilowatts Bar?”

Veterinarian: “I think I remember something about that.”

Deputy: “Well, right after we graduated, there was an investigation. There had been a small spill, and he had just flushed it into the river and then paid off an inspector to look the other way. They found out about it, and one day he just hopped into his lifted and loud yellow pickup and drove off.”

Veterinarian: “You mean...”

Deputy: “Yes. I think my dad caused all of this!”

Veterinarian: “And you said your mom died of cancer?”

Deputy: “Yes. He killed her, too!”

Veterinarian: “Oh, Deputy, why didn't you tell me?”

Deputy: “Because I knew you'd come back, and I couldn't take you away from a chance at success!”

Veterinarian: “Oh, I'm so sorry! I've been a horrible childhood flame!”

Deputy holds Veterinarian.

Deputy: “It's okay. We're going to fix this whole mess. Starting with killing this nocturnal freak. I just hope Sheriff and Dairy Farmer don't get it first.”

Other field.

Sheriff: “See anything?”

Dairy Farmer: “Nope.”

Sheriff: “I still can't believe I agreed to let you in on this. Or that I let my girl go to a dark deserted field with Deputy.”

Dairy Farmer: “I deserve to have a shot at this. Chicken Farmer was my brother! And face it, those two are in love.”

Sheriff: “Do you hear that?”

Dairy Farmer: “Hear what?”

PETA People runs from tree-line.

PETA chick A: “HEEELLLLPPPP!!!!”

Sheriff: “Hey! That's Ditsy Intern!”

PETA chick A jumps into bed of pickup. Dairy Farmer spins to aim rifle into woods. PETA chick B and PETA guy 1 burst out of tree-line with Skunk hard on their heels.

Skunk: “AAARRRR!!!!”

PETA guy 1: “AAAHHHH!!!!!”

PETA chick B: “AAAHHHH!!!!!”

Skunk lunges and swipes PETA chick B in the back, impaling her with claws. PETA guy 1 makes it to the truck. Dairy Farmer jumps out of truck bed and charges toward Skunk, shooting.

Sheriff: “Dairy Farmer, ya damned fool! Get back here!”

Skunk bites PETA chick B’s head off, then flings corpse into woods. As Dairy Farmer charges, Skunk decapitates him with a backhand. Sheriff jumps out of truck and grabs PETA guy 1.

Sheriff: “Get her out of here! I’ll hold it off!”

PETA chick A: “Don't kill it! Giant mutant carnivorous mammals are people, too!”

PETA guy 1: “Now you're just screwin' with me.”

Sheriff shoves PETA guy 1 into cab and grabs pump shotgun. PETA guy tries to get truck into gear while Sheriff makes dramatic stand behind truck.

Sheriff: “Take that, you stinking bastard!”

Skunk turns tail toward Sheriff and truck.

Sheriff: “I said get out of here!”

PETA guy 1: “I don’t know how to drive stick! My Prius is an automatic!”

PETA chick A: “Seriously? Move over!”

PETA chick A gets truck into gear and tears off as Skunk sprays Sheriff, melting his face off. Overspray hits tailgate of truck and starts burning holes in it.

PETA pair drive through field, Skunk in hot pursuit. They reach the road and Skunk abruptly stops. As they drive off, acid eats through tires and the skid off road into field on other side.

PETA guy 1: “BAIL!!!”

PETA pair jump from moving truck. Truck drives into tree and promptly explodes.


Other field. Deputy and Veterinarian’s watch has devolved into making out. Mushroom cloud from truck flashes over tree-line.

Deputy: “Holy crap!”

Veterinarian: “What was that?”

Deputy: “Some kind of explosion. We’d better go check it out.”

Deputy jumps out of bed and climbs into cab. Veterinarian starts redressing.

Veterinarian (muttering): “I’m never getting screwed again at this rate.”

Deputy and Veterinarian drive to other field. They spot PETA pair and drive over.

Veterinarian: “Ditzy Intern! You bitch! You destroyed my shelter!”

PETA guy 1: “Ditzy Intern? Who's that?”

Deputy: “That's not her real name?”

PETA guy 1: “No, her name's PETA chick A.”

Deputy: “Alright, what happened out there?”

PETA guy 1: “Giant skunk. Killed our friends. Chased us into the field. The sheriff and some farmer were there in a truck. The farmer went after it. The sheriff stayed behind and told us to run. They're dead!”

Veterinarian: “Daddy? Dead? NOOOOOO!!!!!!”

Veterinarian clings to Deputy as he tried to comfort her.

Deputy: “That's it. I'm gonna get this thing or die trying.”

Veterinarian: “No! I don't want to lose you, too.”

Deputy: “I'm sorry, but there's a wild carnivorous mutant running around my town, and I'm the only law left. Incidentally, PETA pair, how'd you two escape?”

PETA chick 1: “It stopped at the road. It looked scared. According to my animal psych class, it may be due to a traumatic experience in its past. Perhaps the poor creature's mother was squished.”

PETA guy A: “Look, sir, I don't know much about weapons, but I think you're going to need a bigger gun.”

Deputy: “Nah, just need better placement. And I know just the guy.”


Deputy approaches cabin in woods.

Deputy: “Estranged Father!”

Estranged Father charges out onto porch with shotgun, obviously drunk.

Estranged Father: “How'd you find me? I came out here to be alone.”

Deputy: “It wasn't easy.”

Estranged Father: “Well, what'd'ya want?”

Deputy: “Your negligence at Kilowatts Bar killed Mom and shamed our family.”

Estranged Father: “I know that. Why do you think I spend my days getting hammered?”

Deputy: “It's killed another 5 in the last week.”

Estranged Father: “Five? In the last week? What'd'ya mean?”

Deputy: “A baby skunk got into the waste. It's grown about 20 feet long and sprays acid.”

Estranged Father: “I don't believe you.”

Veterinarian steps out of truck.

Veterinarian: “I don't care if you believe it. It's true. And one of the people you got killed was my father!”

Estranged Father: “Sheriff's dead?”

Deputy: “Yes. And you need to make it right!”

Estranged Father: “How am I supposed to do that?”

Deputy: “You were the best poacher our county ever saw. I remember the old men at the barber shop calling you 'Deer-eye'.”

Estranged Father: “That was before. I don't do that anymore. I live off moonshining when I don't drink it all.”

Deputy: “Well, you can give it a shot, or I can turn you over to the feds that've been looking for you for the last decade.”

Estranged Father: “Well, when you put it that way...”

Deputy: “Look, I brought you something.”

Deputy reaches into back seat and withdraws an obviously old bolt action rifle.

Estranged Father: “You kept Matilda?”

Deputy: “Of course I did. It was the only thing you left us.”

Estranged Father: “Are you sure? I could have sworn I left you an old guitar. And possibly a bottle of booze.”

Deputy: “It was empty.”

Insert montage of Estranged Father sobering/cleaning up and practicing shooting.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Skunk Hunt: Part 2


We rejoin our stalwart defenders of a quiet Tennessee Valley farmtown, as they examine the evidence of the villainous mutant's latest kill.


County coroner's office.

Coroner: “I ain't never seen anything like this.”

Deputy: “What happened?”

Coroner: “It looks like Chicken Farmer was sprayed with some sort of concentrated acid.”

Deputy: “What kind of acid?”

Coroner: “Well, I tried to take a sample, but it ate through my tubes.”

Deputy: “Wow, that's pretty strong.”

Coroner: “I'm going to try to neutralize it enough to get a sample that can be analyzed. Also, you might want to take a step or two away from the slab. Your shoes are melting.”

Deputy: “Good idea. Hey, does this corpse smell like skunk to you?”

Coroner: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”


Local bar. Veterinarian and Deputy are sitting, alternately reminiscing about days gone by and discussing the rash of killings.

Veterinarian: “Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in this town.”

Deputy: “Trust me, you were always too adventurous for this small-town boredom.”

Veterinarian: “What about you? You were the one that always were up to crazy hijinks and shenanigans.”

Deputy: “Well, I had to stay behind to try to protect my mother from my abusive father. Then after he left, I felt the need to stay behind and take care of her after she got cancer. She died last year.”

Veterinarian: “That's so sweet in a depressing fashion.”

Deputy: “Y'know what? I think I'll take advantage of your drunken state and pitying attitude and score tonight.”

Veterinarian: “I like that idea.”

Veterinarian and Deputy go off to his house where they start to make passionate love. Just before things move past PG-13 to R, Deputy's phone rings.

Veterinarian: “Just ignore it.”

Deputy: “I can't, that's my work ringtone, and I'm on call.”

Veterinarian: “Make something up.”

Deputy: “I'm sorry. I have an overly developed sense of duty.”

Veterinarian: “I hate that this is so inconvenient, however, I respect and admire your commitment to your public.”

Deputy answers phone while Veterinarian puts clothes back on.

Deputy: “Yeah Sheriff?”

Deputy's Phone: “Vaguely speech sounding noise.”

Deputy: “Another one?”

Deputy's Phone: “Vaguely speech sounding noise.”

Deputy: “Where?”

Deputy's Phone: “Vaguely speech sounding noise.”

Deputy: “On my way.”


Deputy joins Sheriff at forest scene. PETA guy 2's remains—half a leg with tattered jeans and a Birkenstock on it—are scattered across ground.

Deputy: “That sludgy stuff looks like what happened to Chicken Farmer.”

Sheriff: “I think he was one of the burglars from Veterinarian's place.”

Deputy: “What makes you say that?”

Sheriff points with flashlight.

Sheriff: “The 'Animals are people to!' shirt over there.”

Deputy: “Look at the size of those teeth marks! I really don't think we're dealing with a pack of dogs.”

Sheriff: “You're right. There had to be more of the hippies, and only 10 dogs. Surely a bunch of hippies could keep three chihuahuas, two beagles, four dachshunds, and a poodle in line.”

Deputy points light toward edge of clearing where the remnants of Cuddles lie.

Deputy: “And I don't think they had the poodle to worry about. Hey, do you smell skunk?”

Sheriff: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”

Deputy's phone: “Beep!”

Deputy: “Hey, coroner! What've you got for us?”

Deputy's Phone: “Vaguely speech sounding noise.”

Deputy: “Skunk?”

Sheriff: “What?”

Deputy: “Coroner says the lab got back to him. They say that acid stuff is some sort of concentrated skunk musk! But I don’t see how a skunk musk could melt a person.”

Veterinarian: “Oh, yes, skunk musk is extremely caustic.”

Deputy: “Where'd you come from?”

Veterinarian: “I'm still feeling all hot and bothered, so I followed you to see how long you were going to be.” Looks around and sees Sheriff. “Oh, crap. Umm, Hi Daddy.”

Sheriff: “Were you putting the moves on my daughter?!?!?!”

Deputy: “Ummm…Back to skunks?”

Veterinarian: “Yes, back to skunks, the musk they produce is extremely caustic and if it were sufficiently concentrated and in sufficient quantity, I suppose it would be possible for it to be corrosive to human tissue.”

Sheriff: “Sufficient concentration? How would a skunk have overly concentrated musk? Also, if I catch you near my girl again, Deputy, you’ll be looking for a new job.”

Deputy: “Actually, I think the more worrisome part is 'sufficient quantity'. How big would a skunk have to be to pack that much musk? Also, I’m sorry.”

Veterinarian: “Well, we can tell by the teeth marks that the incisors and canines were approximately 3 to 4 inches wide each. That puts the mouth at about 3 feet wide. Also, leave him alone, Daddy, I’m not a little girl anymore.”

Sheriff: “You know, perhaps we should finish this discussion in the relative safety of my office. Princess, you’re riding with me.”

Veterinarian: “Aww, Daddy!”

Sheriff's office.

Coroner: “Since the neutralization I did was with a known quantity of base, the lab was able to calculate the original pH. With that, they were able to extrapolate how much liquid was discharged to do the damage noted.”

Sheriff: “Which was?”

Coroner: “About 2 gallons.”

Deputy spews coffee.

Deputy: “Two gallons!!!!”

Veterinarian: “That, coupled with the 3 foot bite circumference, makes me estimate a skunk at least 15 feet long and possibly as big as 25.”

Coroner: “That's a big freaking skunk. How could that happen?”

Veterinarian: “Well, we do live next to that nuclear power plant. Perhaps they bribed someone to keep sub-standard waste procedures quiet, then contaminated the river where a baby skunk might drink it and mutate into a giant freak of nature.”

Coroner: “Yeah. That makes sense. Hey, Deputy, wasn't there a scandal like that a few years back?”

Deputy: “I don't want to rehash my painful past.”

Sheriff walks to long gun rack and starts handing out rifles.

Sheriff: “Well, that settles it folks. Time for a little varminting.”

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

First, let me say I have nothing against the Kingsport Police Department.

Yes, that is always a fun way to start a story.

The KPD officers I have dealt with have been courteous and professional.  They've even been somewhat friendly, and I suspect the "professional" part is what keeps them from being more so.

Their office staffers, on the other hand...

Sunday night--or, rather Monday morning--at about 0035, I drove through an intersection and saw the police cruiser coming the other direction turn around and follow me.  I immediately looked down at my speedometer, having on occasion traveled at speeds above the speed limit.  I was going about 43 mph in a 45 mph zone.

My initial thought was that I had been going suspiciously slow for midnight on an empty street.  Furthermore, I have trouble maintaining a consistent speed, especially when tired.  I am a firm believer that maintaining consistent speeds is what God created cruise control for.  Sadly, the Flying Dodgeman has not had functional cruise control in about two years and some change (a story for another time).

When the officer finally flipped on the blue lights, I was still baffled as to the cause of this interaction with local law enforcement.  I rolled down my window and the courteous, professional and somewhat friendly officer informs me that my diver's side headlight is nonfunctional.

If anyone is actually reading this, I should probably explain that Stone Drive/US-11 through Kingsport is lighted at night like high noon.  In fact the only thing more lit up at 0030 on a weekend is the patronage of Hog Wild Saloon about halfway down said roadway.  As a result, I had failed to notice that somewhere between the parking lot of my place of employment and this traffic stop, my headlight had stopped shining.

The officer handed me a little paper with a little date at the bottom.  By October 15th, I have to comply with the city's light ordinances and have the ticket cancelled, contest the ticket (and most probably lose and have to comply with the ordnance) or cough up $88.75 (and still have to comply with the ordnance).

The officer further informed me that they prefer to dismiss these citations by having the individual show proof of compliance.  Said proof consists of fixing the headlight, driving to the police station, having an officer check the lights, and have the clerk pull the ticket out of the system.

Monday, I drove to the local AutoZone (my favorite retail establishment, according to my receipts) and acquired a replacement bulb for my headlight.  When I removed the headlight housing from the front of the Dodgeman, however, the light miraculously healed itself.

Due to some unseen events, I was unable to drive to the station that day, so Tuesday, I drive to the Justice Center.  I enter the building and find myself in a queue with little bowls for everything in my pockets to pass through an X-ray and a metal detector for me at the end of the line.  I start to stick my wallet in the bowl, then have a thought.  I look at the officer.

Me:  "That sign behind me says 'no knives', doesn't it?"

Her:  "Yes."

Me:  "There's a pocket knife in my wallet.  I probably need to take that back out to my car, huh?"

Her:  "Yes."

Out to the car, drop my Tool Logic CC2SB and, as an after thought, my Swiss Tech Utili Key in my console, then back to the lobby.

Me (smiling):  "I think I'm ready this time."

Her:  **Less-than-amused look**

Me:  "Umm, I need to get my headlights looked at."

Her:  "Through those doors, all the way to the end, pick up the phone."

It is never encouraging to find two men already sitting there, apparently settled in for the long haul.  Forty-five minutes later, an officer appears and asks who is waiting for a police officer.  By now, there are four of us there, all of whom raise his (or in one case, her) hand.  The officer blinks, then asks who is first.  Grudgingly, I point to the man who had been waiting for over 2 hours.

About this time, I realize that waiting any longer may result in tardiness at my place of employment.  I approach the clerk's desk and let her know that I need to be going and will come back later.  She informs me that, while the clerks will not be here when I finish my shift at 0130, there will be officers here who can check my lights at that time.

At approximately 0040, I arrive at the Justice Center once more and inform the central dispatcher that I need a light check.  About 15 minutes later, an officer appears with a puzzled look on his face.

Me:  "I need to get my headlight checked."

Him:  "Well, I can, but I won't be able to do anything."

Me:  "Seriously?"

Him:  "Yes.  It's illegal for me to modify those records.  Only clerks are authorized.  It's so I can't get in there at night and fix all my buddies' tickets or anything like that."

Me:  "I can understand that.  However, the clerk said I could come by tonight and have it checked out."

Him:  "Well, we could, but I wouldn't be able to do anything."

Me:  "Argh.  There isn't a form you can fill out and sign or anything?"

Him:  "No.  Sorry.  She was probably one of our part-timers."

So, back again tomorrow.

Burgleflickle!!!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Skunk Hunt: Part 1


As my screenplays are getting longer and longer, I can no longer fit them in one post.  Well, I could, but it would be even more absurdly long than it already is.  So for the first installment:


Skunk hunt

A lifted and loud yellow pickup comes around a turn, taking out almost an entire family of skunks. The redneck inside yells out rednecky stuff.

The sole surviving skunk walks to its mother and begins sniffing at her and obviously trying to wake her up. When he fails, he crawls to a nearby stream to drink. The camera pans up to look across the river to a pair of nuclear cooling towers on the opposite bank.

Flash to credits

A field. “Eight years later” displayed. Camera pans to back of Farmhand standing looking down. Dairy Farmer arrives in beat-up pick-up and steps out, then turns to retrieve lever action rifle. Camera to face of Farmhand as Dairy Farmer walks up behind them.

Dairy Farmer: “What happened?”

Farmhand: “Looks like some animals got a slew of them.”

Dairy Farmer: “Got a count yet?”

Farmhand: “Looks like a dozen head at least.”

Camera to back of men.

Dairy Farmer: “I'm calling the Sheriff.”

Dairy Farmer hands Farmhand rifle. “See if there's any alive and put 'em down.”

Farmhand: “Sure thing, boss. Hey. Do you smell skunk?”

Dairy Farmer: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”

Dairy Farmer walks back to truck as Farmhand walks forward, chambering a round. Camera pans away to show a dozen mutilated cows.


Sheriff's office.

Dairy Farmer: “I told you that shelter was a bad idea. You can't just pick up drop-off dogs after they've gone feral and hope to give them homes!”

Sheriff: “Now, Farmer, you and I both know Vet's got more sense than that. Dammit, she’s my daughter! She only collects strays from in town.”

Dairy Farmer: “But then she went off to that college. Daughter or not, city folk don't know crap about country life. And what kind of shape are her kennels in if ten dogs can escape in one night?”

Deputy enters.

Deputy: “I'm afraid they’re in pretty bad shape, actually. We found the breach.”

Deputy drops a sawn-through padlock on the desk.

Deputy: “It looks like someone let them out. That's from the main gate. She keeps the keys to the individual kennel locks in her desk drawer. The lock to it was busted.”

Sheriff: “Let me guess, the door wasn't broken.”

Deputy: “Nope.”

Sheriff: “Inside job?”

Deputy: “Her aide is missing.”

Dairy Farmer: “How many dogs?”

Sheriff: “Veterinarian is still working on a count, but it looks like around 10.”

Dairy Farmer: “Any leads on the perps?”

Deputy: “'Fraid not.”

Dairy Farmer turns to leave.

Dairy Farmer: “Sheriff, I lost almost $35,000 in stock last night. They better hope you find them first!”


Somewhere in the woods.

Ditsy Intern (a.k.a. PETA chick A): “We've got to keep moving.”

PETA guy 1: “It'd be easier if they all didn't have to mark every tree in the forest.”

PETA chick A: “Oh, shut up. Everything is still going as planned.”

PETA guy 2: “Where in the plan did it mention the van breaking down and having to herd a dozen dogs through twenty miles of woods?”

PETA chick B (in high pitched ditzy voice): “You know what? How 'bout we take the poor animals here back to the pound to be euthanized? Or better yet, maybe you'd like to hit them all over the heads with rocks right now? Hey, I hear a river. Maybe we could stick them all in a sack and toss them in that!”

PETA chick A: “Come on, we're wasting time.”

PETA chicks A & B turn with flounces of hair. PETA guys 1 & 2 fall back.

PETA guy 1: “I'd drown them in a heartbeat to get out of these woods.”

PETA guy 2: “Me, too. Why the crap did we ever sign up for this?”

PETA guy 1 (staring at PETA chick B's butt): “Same reason any frat guy signs up for these idiotic movements. 'Cause they're friggin' hot and fairly slutty.”

PETA guy 2 : “Oh, right. I suppose pounding the dogs' skulls in might reduce our chances of fun in the tents tonight.”

PETA guy 1: “Probably. But seriously, bro, next time, let's just see how far we can get with pink ribbons.”

PETA chick B turns and beckons.

PETA chick B: “Come on! We need to make the county line by sundown!”

PETA guy 2 (watching PETA chick B's pleasant bouncing): “Save the ta-tas.”

PETA guy 1: “Damn straight.”


Veterinarian's office

Veterinarian: “I can't believe I fell for the ditsy intern act!”

Deputy: “C'mon, now, Veterinarian, how could you have known she was a tree-hugging hippie?”

Veterinarian: “Well, she did have a Greenpeace bumper sticker on her hybrid.”

Deputy: “Well, yeah then, you probably should seen that coming.”

Veterinarian: “Sob! I'm so stupid!”

Deputy: “No, you're not! You went to vet school while I, your high school sweetheart, decided to forego college and go to the police academy! By the way, I'm so glad you returned to your home town.”

Veterinarian: “Don't get your hopes for a rekindling of our childhood romance up yet. Although I know the reason you went into law enforcement was to impress my father.”

Deputy: “Yes. For now, let's work on catching these scum-bags.”

Veterinarian: “The thing is, I pulled the files on the dogs. I'm trying to figure out how three chihuahuas, two beagles, four dachshunds, and a poodle could kill a dozen cows.”

Deputy: “Well, chihuahuas can be vicious.”


Chicken farm

Chicken Farmer: “I don't get it. I mean we've had raccoons before, but I ain't never seen one what could bite a chicken clean in half.”

Sheriff: “Well, we think there's some dogs loose in these parts.”

Chicken Farmer: “Well, I ain't never seen a dog what could bite a chicken clean in half, either.”

Sheriff: “Well, despite your misgivings, I will continue to chalk all livestock killings up to the dogs. By the way, do you smell skunk?”

Chicken Farmer: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”


Forest

PETA guy 1: “Hey, weren't there 10 dogs?”

PETA chick A: “Yes.”

PETA guy 1: “I only count 9.”

PETA guy 2: “Yeah, where's the poodle?”

PETA chick B: “Her name is Cuddles!

PETA chick A: “Well, someone needs to go look for her.”

PETA guy 1: “I'm sure PETA guy 2 can find her.”

PETA guy 2: “I friggin' hate you. You know that, right?”

PETA chick B: “Go find her or you're not sleeping in my tent!”

PETA guy 2: “Really, really hate you.”

PETA guy 2 goes off to search for Cuddles. After a couple minutes of stumbling around, he comes across the bloody corpse of the poodle.

PETA guy 2: “Hey guys!”

Skunk: “Ominous growl.”

PETA guy 2: “Um, guys?”

Skunk: “Ominous growl closer.”

PETA guy 2: “HEY! GUYS!!!”

Skunk: “AAAARRRRR!!!”

Skunk appears out of woods.

PETA guy 2: “AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

Cut to PETA People. People hears screams and runs back. Skunk is gone, as is poodle and PETA guy 2.

PETA guy 1: “Hey, where'd he go?”

PETA chick B: “PETA guy 2!!! PETA guy 22222222!!!!!”

PETA chick A: “Um, does that look like PETA guy 2’s Birkenstock to you?”

PETA guy 1: “Maybe.”

PETA chick B: “Hey, do you guys smell skunk?”

PETA guy 1: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”

PETA chick A: “I'm scared. We need to get back to the rest of the pack. I'm sure PETA guy 2 is just screwing with us.”

PETA chick B: “He's so not sleeping with me tonight.”

PETA People returns to other dogs and sets up camp.



Chicken Farmer's farm. Chicken Farmer hears commotion.

Chicken Farmer: “I got that danged coon this time!”

Chicken farmer grabs double barrel shotgun and charges out door. Coming face to face with Skunk, he proceeds to fire both barrels before being sprayed in face. Spray is super-charged acid that mostly sludges him.

Chicken Farmer: “AAAAHHHH!!!!”