Skunk Hunt: Part 2

We rejoin our stalwart defenders of a quiet Tennessee Valley farmtown, as they examine the evidence of the villainous mutant's latest kill.

County coroner's office.

Coroner: “I ain't never seen anything like this.”

Deputy: “What happened?”

Coroner: “It looks like Chicken Farmer was sprayed with some sort of concentrated acid.”

Deputy: “What kind of acid?”

Coroner: “Well, I tried to take a sample, but it ate through my tubes.”

Deputy: “Wow, that's pretty strong.”

Coroner: “I'm going to try to neutralize it enough to get a sample that can be analyzed. Also, you might want to take a step or two away from the slab. Your shoes are melting.”

Deputy: “Good idea. Hey, does this corpse smell like skunk to you?”

Coroner: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”

Local bar. Veterinarian and Deputy are sitting, alternately reminiscing about days gone by and discussing the rash of killings.

Veterinarian: “Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in this town.”

Deputy: “Trust me, you were always too adventurous for this small-town boredom.”

Veterinarian: “What about you? You were the one that always were up to crazy hijinks and shenanigans.”

Deputy: “Well, I had to stay behind to try to protect my mother from my abusive father. Then after he left, I felt the need to stay behind and take care of her after she got cancer. She died last year.”

Veterinarian: “That's so sweet in a depressing fashion.”

Deputy: “Y'know what? I think I'll take advantage of your drunken state and pitying attitude and score tonight.”

Veterinarian: “I like that idea.”

Veterinarian and Deputy go off to his house where they start to make passionate love. Just before things move past PG-13 to R, Deputy's phone rings.

Veterinarian: “Just ignore it.”

Deputy: “I can't, that's my work ringtone, and I'm on call.”

Veterinarian: “Make something up.”

Deputy: “I'm sorry. I have an overly developed sense of duty.”

Veterinarian: “I hate that this is so inconvenient, however, I respect and admire your commitment to your public.”

Deputy answers phone while Veterinarian puts clothes back on.

Deputy: “Yeah Sheriff?”

Deputy's Phone: “Vaguely speech sounding noise.”

Deputy: “Another one?”

Deputy's Phone: “Vaguely speech sounding noise.”

Deputy: “Where?”

Deputy's Phone: “Vaguely speech sounding noise.”

Deputy: “On my way.”

Deputy joins Sheriff at forest scene. PETA guy 2's remains—half a leg with tattered jeans and a Birkenstock on it—are scattered across ground.

Deputy: “That sludgy stuff looks like what happened to Chicken Farmer.”

Sheriff: “I think he was one of the burglars from Veterinarian's place.”

Deputy: “What makes you say that?”

Sheriff points with flashlight.

Sheriff: “The 'Animals are people to!' shirt over there.”

Deputy: “Look at the size of those teeth marks! I really don't think we're dealing with a pack of dogs.”

Sheriff: “You're right. There had to be more of the hippies, and only 10 dogs. Surely a bunch of hippies could keep three chihuahuas, two beagles, four dachshunds, and a poodle in line.”

Deputy points light toward edge of clearing where the remnants of Cuddles lie.

Deputy: “And I don't think they had the poodle to worry about. Hey, do you smell skunk?”

Sheriff: “Little critters probably scavenged last night.”

Deputy's phone: “Beep!”

Deputy: “Hey, coroner! What've you got for us?”

Deputy's Phone: “Vaguely speech sounding noise.”

Deputy: “Skunk?”

Sheriff: “What?”

Deputy: “Coroner says the lab got back to him. They say that acid stuff is some sort of concentrated skunk musk! But I don’t see how a skunk musk could melt a person.”

Veterinarian: “Oh, yes, skunk musk is extremely caustic.”

Deputy: “Where'd you come from?”

Veterinarian: “I'm still feeling all hot and bothered, so I followed you to see how long you were going to be.” Looks around and sees Sheriff. “Oh, crap. Umm, Hi Daddy.”

Sheriff: “Were you putting the moves on my daughter?!?!?!”

Deputy: “Ummm…Back to skunks?”

Veterinarian: “Yes, back to skunks, the musk they produce is extremely caustic and if it were sufficiently concentrated and in sufficient quantity, I suppose it would be possible for it to be corrosive to human tissue.”

Sheriff: “Sufficient concentration? How would a skunk have overly concentrated musk? Also, if I catch you near my girl again, Deputy, you’ll be looking for a new job.”

Deputy: “Actually, I think the more worrisome part is 'sufficient quantity'. How big would a skunk have to be to pack that much musk? Also, I’m sorry.”

Veterinarian: “Well, we can tell by the teeth marks that the incisors and canines were approximately 3 to 4 inches wide each. That puts the mouth at about 3 feet wide. Also, leave him alone, Daddy, I’m not a little girl anymore.”

Sheriff: “You know, perhaps we should finish this discussion in the relative safety of my office. Princess, you’re riding with me.”

Veterinarian: “Aww, Daddy!”

Sheriff's office.

Coroner: “Since the neutralization I did was with a known quantity of base, the lab was able to calculate the original pH. With that, they were able to extrapolate how much liquid was discharged to do the damage noted.”

Sheriff: “Which was?”

Coroner: “About 2 gallons.”

Deputy spews coffee.

Deputy: “Two gallons!!!!”

Veterinarian: “That, coupled with the 3 foot bite circumference, makes me estimate a skunk at least 15 feet long and possibly as big as 25.”

Coroner: “That's a big freaking skunk. How could that happen?”

Veterinarian: “Well, we do live next to that nuclear power plant. Perhaps they bribed someone to keep sub-standard waste procedures quiet, then contaminated the river where a baby skunk might drink it and mutate into a giant freak of nature.”

Coroner: “Yeah. That makes sense. Hey, Deputy, wasn't there a scandal like that a few years back?”

Deputy: “I don't want to rehash my painful past.”

Sheriff walks to long gun rack and starts handing out rifles.

Sheriff: “Well, that settles it folks. Time for a little varminting.”