Since
10% of the 6 billion or so people think the the world will end in their lifetime (or at least fundamentally change), I've decided to put forth my theory on how it will happen.
Those who know me know that I love zombie movies. I await the day that "Zulu Down" replaces "Tango Down." In my Netflix cue right now is
2012: Zombie Apocalypse, which, depending on which reviews you read is a solid B movie or a positively retarded film. I would point out that those are not mutually exclusive.
Having seen the
recent antics of certain "progressive" elements of our society, I think there is a more likely outcome. So for my third official screenplay:
Open:
A young, carefree, New York boy is
walking through Zuccotti Park. Seeing a backpack in the bushes, the
child investigates.
Close up of solitary arachnid creeping
from the backpack onto the boy's skin. Slow motion as the bug bites
into his arm.
Boy: "Ouch!"
Three minutes later
Boy: "Gosh this itches. It must
be the man's fault! I think I'll share these irrational thoughts and
parasitic arachnids with my classmates."
Dramatic intro music with plain black
placard theme:
"2012: Hippie Apocalypse"
Underground government situation room
Super-hot lieutenant: “General! Our
containment measures failed!”
Camera shot over General's shoulders to the large map filling the wall. Red circles in areas
all over the country spread ominously.
General (slowly and dramatically):
“My. God. It’s happening.”
Lieutenant: “What do we do now?”
General: “Lock down all government
facilities. Issue biological contaminant suits to all National Guard
and Reserve troops. Blockade all major thoroughfares. And
lieutenant…”
Lieutenant: “Yes, sir?”
General: “Pray.”
Flash to stock footage of armed
soldiers patrolling roads and perimeters around armories and air
bases, then cut to small-town hospital:
Country Doctor (sitting at microscope because ALL movie doctors do their own labs: "Nurse, take a look at this."
Hot Nurse (because ALL movie nurses are hot): "What is it, Doctor?"
Doctor: "This blood from that protester. It looks like malaria, but it has really wierd ring formations
Cut to image on scope:
Nurse: "Are those..."
Doctor: "It sure looks like it. I need to contact the CDC!" Picks up phone.
Phone: "Welcome to the CDC. Para hablar en espanol prensa dos. If this is regarding an outbreak press 1."
Doctor presses1
Phone: "If your outbreak is viral, press 1. If your outbreak is bacterial, press 2. If your outbreak is fungal, press 3. If your outbreak is parasitic, press 4. If your outbreak is idiopathic...
Doctor (pressing 4): "This is a bit ridiculous."
Phone: "For ascaris, press 1. For babesiosis, press 2. For..."
5 Minutes later...
Phone: "For mutated malaria presenting with with ring forms that look like peace signs, press 88. For..."
Doctor (pressing 88): "Oh for the love of all things holy."
Phone: "Due to the number of phone calls regarding the outbreak of mutated malaria presenting with ring forms that look like peace signs, all lines are currently busy. Please call back at a later time, or embark on a perilous cross-country journey to our Atlanta headquarters."
Doctor: "Nurse! Call my uncle, the grizzled vietnam vet and the hot-in-a-girl-next-door-sort-of-way county veterinarian that I've been unsuccessfully trying to woo since my arrival in this small town I grew up in before leaving for the big city before returning due to the death of a small child I couldn't save! We're going to Georgia!"
Hallway in mall. Oncoming horde pounds at hastily constructed barricade as the characters attempt to
Gizzled vietnam vet, shooting an
oncoming flower-armed hippie: “You have to shoot them in the
head!”
Doctor, staring at gun in his hands:
“Is that the only way to stop them?”
Vietnam Vet, shooting another hippie:
“No, but it makes me feel all warm inside.”
Hot Veterinarian: “Doc, just think of it like putting down
rabid dogs. It may not be their fault their sick, but it's them or
us.” Fires old bolt-action rifle into crowd.
Doctor, continuing to look at WWII
Garand: “My grandfather never wanted this gun to be fired in anger
again.”
Vietnam Vet (in compassionate voice,
laying hand on Doctor's shoulder): “He'd understand, son, he'd
understand.”
Hot Veterinarian: “AHHHHHH!!!! It
touched me!”
Doctor (starting forward):
“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” Shoots offending hippie in face.
Vietnam Vet (grabbing Doctor by
shoulders in dramatic fashion): “There's nothing we can do!”
Aims rifle.
Hot Veterinarian: “He's right! End
me while I'm not a blithering moron! Let me die with some dignity!”
Doctor (pushing rifle aside just as
Vietnam Vet pulls trigger. Round goes wide.): “No! She's a main
character! We have to look for a cure!”
Vietnam Vet: “Fine, we'll embark on
a perilous journey to save her. But she stays behind!”
Doctor: “Alright.” To Hot
Veterinarian: “Whatever it takes, just stay alive! I will find
you!”
Hot Veterinarian: “I know. Go now,
before I can't control myself!”
Doctor and Vietnam Vet pounding at gate
to government lab: “Let us in! We’re not one of them!”
First guard: “You mean, ‘We’re
not SOME of them’ or, alternatively, 'TWO of them.'”
Doctor: “Oh, bite me.”
Second guard: “Prove you’re
normal.”
Vietnam Vet: “Soviet Communism was a
fundamentally flawed system predicated on a misunderstanding of economics
as a zero-sum-gain system as well as the assumption of inherent altruism in
human nature.”
First guard: “Well said.” Points
to doctor. “You?”
Doctor: “Umm…Mao was a moron?”
Second guard, eying oncoming wave of
tie-dye: “That’ll do.”
Sterile looking lab
General: “In the 1930's a government
research project into malaria found a strain of the parasite that was
termed Plasmodium pacifiscus. Like P. falciparum, the
form of malaria caused severe neurological deficits, especially in
the cognitive abilities. Patients also exhibited multiple
complaints.”
Doctor: “Complaints of what?”
General: “Just lots of complaints.
They'd complain about the economy, the infrastructure, health care,
foreign policy, corporate greed, you name it. Thankfully, it also
caused tremendous apathy, which meant that the patients never
actually tried to do anything about what they found irritating in
life.”
Doctor: “They never tried anything?”
General: “Well, they did write a lot
of folk-rock protest songs. A few of them got really good at 'We
Shall Overcome.' Their rendition brought tears to my eyes.”
Doctor: “That's it?”
General: “Well, they did manage to
occupy the hospital's credit union for a little while. The thing is,
the deterioration of their logical thinking skills made them believe
they were accomplishing things.”
Doctor: “Despite the fact that
nothing actually changed?”
General: “You also have to factor in
the growth curve of the parasite. Patients are asymptomatic between
1-5% infection. As more and more cells are infected, the reasoning
capacity of the subject decreases. Once the parasite reaches 99%,
the patient becomes either a raving lunatic or enters a persistent vegetative state.”
Doctor: “You said this is a
Plasmodium species. Is it spread by mosquitoes like others?”
General: “No, its natural vector is
the body louse. Due to evolutionary pressure it induces a fear of
soap in the victim.”
Doctor: “But if it was isolated, how
did it spread?”
General: “I am ashamed to admit,
it's my fault.”
Vietnam Vet: “You bastard! You
tried to weaponize it, didn't you?”
General (bowing head): “Yes! It
caused radical pacifism in subjects! The plan was to unleash it on
other countries in war time. The new strain was dubbed P.
Hippicus. The disease was Hippititis A.”
Doctor: “But surely you had some
antidote, right? We're not all blithering idiots, today.”
General: “No. We had a way to
prevent it, but there is no cure.”
Doctor: “How did you control it?”
General: “Through a three-step
safeguard. The parasite cannot reproduce in the presence of
fluorine, so we fluoridated the water supply country-wide and told
our allies to do the same. Couldn't everyone see that the rise of
hippies in Continental Europe coincided with several counties' cessations of routine fluoridation?”
Doctor: “But how did that happen
here?”
General: “The rise of bottled water.
All the vegetarians and vegans with their insistance on organic
foods and spring water. We were worried, but a growing percentage of them were forming
communes, removing themselves from the population. And anyway, our
second line of defense was holding out.”
Vietnam Vet: "What was that?"
Doctor: "Certain compounds in commonly used fertilizers. Everybody was using them, anyway. But then the organic foods kick started. We got even more worried, but the third line was there."
Doctor: “What was that?”
General: “Vaccination. At first, we
slipped it in with the MMR. Then, as it became apparent that
follow-up pediatric care was not being followed among some
populations, we put it in the Hepatitis B vaccine and insisted that
newborns have it before they left the hospital. But once the ChiComs
discovered about the parasite, they had that journal article
published in the
Lancet claiming vaccines caused autism. We
tried to fight it. Within ten years,
there were 25 studies published including one in the Lancet the same year disproving the original and even demonstrating that the
first doctor had used sloppy research techniques. Eventually the
Lancet retracted it and the
doctor was censured. But it was too
late. The news media had caught on to it, and soon whole populations
of children were going un-vaccinated. Since most of the parents who
refused vaccines at the outset were the organic food eaters and spring water drinkers, the
children were doubly at risk for the disease. My only solace is that
China has been hit hard by this disease.”
Doctor: “And now?”
General: “Like all vaccines, the
hippititis A vaccine depended on herd immunity. The individual might
not be immune—statistically speaking, any vaccine will only take in
about 95-99% of patients—but as long as those surrounding the few
who were not immune were immune, the non-immune were safe. We can
only assume that one of the non-immune contracted the disease and had
enough non-immune people in his immediate circle to pass it on.”
Vietnam Vet: “Do you know where it
happened?”
General: “From our graphs, the
outbreak originally centered around Zuccotti Park. With so many
unwashed hippies, the body louse population—both carriers and
non-carriers—skyrocketed. It appears that some residual body lice
remained after the Occupy Wall Street protesters
left all their crap laying everywhere, and somebody got bit, most likely cleaning the
protesters' mess up. Furthermore, it appears that with such a large
and dense population of body lice, the parasite mutated to become
resistant to current vaccines
and safe levels of fluoride.”
Vietnam Vet: “But how did it spread
around the world?”
General: “From what we can tell,
some TSA agents were not wearing gloves when doing enhanced
screenings. Supposedly, the gloves cut down on the feel.
Apparently, they cross-contaminated some foreign passengers who took
it to their countries.”
Doctor: “Is nowhere safe?”
General: “It appears that some rural
areas have managed to keep the hippies out through rather extreme
methods. Apparently, they were developed by a fourth-grader in a
small Colorado town. The method is to shoot the hippies in the
head—”
Vet: “Told you so!”
General: “—and set the bodies on
fire to kill the lice. We have pondered it, and we may have to nuke
our own population centers”
Doctor: “But that's barbaric!”
Doctor (looking out window to the
streets below): “I have to believe there's a cure.” Turning to
the room. “But until there is, I suppose we must do what we can to
contain the infection. At least promise to evacuate the uninfected
before the carpet bombing.”
General: “We will.”
Scenes of mayhem as soldiers face off
against masses of hippies.
Doctor (disheveled from a sleepless
night): “I have it! We use specially modulated neutron bombs to
create a pulse on a wavelength targeted at the parasites!”
General: “That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard. It has no foundation in physics or biology
and would only work in some horrible B-scifi film.”
Lieutenant: “Umm, General, sir?”
Leans over and whispers in General's ear.
General (standing up): “By God, it
just might work!”
Lieutenant: “But Doctor, wouldn't
all the infected red cells lyse, spilling massive amounts of
hemoglobin into the vasculature, overstraining the kidneys and liver
causing a horrible and painful death by renal and hepatic failure?”
Doctor: “Only in the most severe
patients. The 99% will definite die horribly, but the people only
75% infected will most likely be able to deal with the added load.
We could go around and shoot the dying ones to euthanize them if it
will make you feel better.”
Lieutenant (starting to get
misty-eyed): “It would, I suppose. Can I cry on your shoulder
while hugging you?”
Doctor: “I would, but my heart is
still out there with Country Vet. I can only hope she will be can
hang on long enough to be cured by this plan. And also that she
won't be standing directly below the blast. Besides I think someone
else might be a better option.”
Lieutenant: “Who?”
Doctor: “Umm, the master sergeant
over there who has saved your life thirteen times in the last
forty-five minutes and follows you around like an overprotective
puppy.”
Lieutenant: “You're saying you think
he's a love interest? I thought he was just a red shirt.”
General: “Easy way to find out.”
To Msgt: “Sergeant! Do you have a name?”
Msgt: “Sir, Bob, sir!”
Doctor: “Hmm, that's a fairly
generic name, and with cross-categorization popular these days, he
may still prove to be an expendable character.”
General: “Either way, just to be
safe, I'm ordering you to spend a 90-second
passionate-yet-tastefully-edited montage with him.”
Lieutenant: “How tastefully?”
Doctor: “The studio's trying for a
PG-13, so it shouldn't really show anything. Same reason no one's
said 'shit' yet.”
Lieutenant: “You just did.”
Doctor: “Oh, right. Well, with an R
rating, there may be a short topless moment.”
Lieutenant: “Meh. I can live with
that. Hey Bob!”
In an utterly predictable turn of
events, the first modulated neuron bomb is so big it must be shoved
out the back of a C 135 while Doctor looks on to tell people all the
stuff he told them twice already.
Doctor (shouting over engine):
“Careful with that! Remember, despite being mostly radiation
yielding, there will be a sizable physical blast radius!”
Airman (muttering): “You've told me
that twice already.”
As they start to shove the bomb out the
back over the crowd around Wall Street, Doctor sees Hot Veterinarian
directly below in the designated blast area.
Doctor: “Wait! Stop!”
Airman: “We can't! We only have
enough fuel for one pass, there is unexpected turbulence, and the
deployment sequence is irreversible! It does fortunately take two
minutes to complete, though!”
Doctor (grabbing handy parachute from
wall of cargo bay): “I've got to get her!”
He jumps out, throwing the chute on as
he plummets earthward. He pulls the cord in time to safely land
directly next to Hot Veterinarian. Grabbing her, he throws her over
his shoulder and runs toward a conveniently placed culvert. He
throws her in and dives in after her just as the bomb hits,
collapsing everything around them.
Dramatic pan through the wreckage of
wall street. Msgt Bob, Lieutenant, General, and Vietnam Vet are
walking though the devastated area, alternately yelling “Doctor”
and shooting jaundiced, moaning hippies in the heads.
Piece of wreckage falls toward
lieutenant. Bob shoves her out of way. Wreckage lands on Bob,
bisecting him.
Lieutenant: “NOOOOOOO!!!!!”
Rushes to Bob's side along with General.
Bob: “Guess my name was too generic
after all. I only wish we'd had more time together.”
Lieutenant: “But I just realized how
much I love you! Plus, I'm having your baby!”
Bob: “Just tell him daddy died a
hero.”
General: “We will, Bob, we will.”
In the background, a piece of wreckage
is pushed aside and Doctor and Hot Veterinarian emerge.
Doctor (seeing squished Bob):
“Veterinarian, we need to learn a lesson from this whole tragic
story. Life is too short. Lets walk into the sunset, now. And also
get you a shower.”
Cut to voice-over.
In the following days, more bombs were
dropped throughout the country. While there was initially a fear of
a shortage of the modified bombs, the hippies had congregated into a
few dense masses known as “music festivals.” Within a few weeks
P. Hippicus was almost eradicated in the US. About 5% of the infected were not in treated areas, instead having moved to small communes. The government quarantined these. Approximately 50% of the US population died, many due to end-stage disease, more due to defensive actions by the uninfected, and most due to dysentery and other complications caused by extended periods of living in their own filth.
Bob was memorialized in bronze on the corner of
Wall Street. Lieutenant carried her love with her for the rest of her life,
stopping by every week with Bob, Jr. to wipe pigeon poop off the
statue. Doctor and Hot Veterinarian married and
had a bunch of kids. They, too, visited Bob's statue. They remained
phobic of cheap plastic bead jewelry for the rest of their lives.
General was elected president during
the aftermath. He appointed Vietnam Vet Secretary of Defense. Under
his leadership, all targets used for practice were painted in tie-dye
patterns.
The US proved to have a surplus of the
bombs and was able to sell them to the world, naming its own price.
After using the proceeds to wipe out the national debt, taxes could
be dropped, causing business owners to expand. Unemployment
plummeted due to the resulting commercial boom and the fact that most
of the previously unemployable fine arts majors were among those who
died of liver failure.
In the end, the hippies did change the
world.
