Whenever a director's cut is released, it always begs a number of questions. Were the creative differences between the director and producer or studio so great that the story was substantially changed from the director's original vision? Who truly owns that vision, the producer or the director? Is the studio simply trying to double the number of copies sold a minimal outlay of resources?
Some critics will no doubt say that this year's Spants installment is just an excuse to pack more gore into the original. Some may say I am just satisfying my proofreading OCD. Some may claim I am doing this solely for retconning in an on-screen hippie kill into the one work that is missing one. Still others will say I am retconning in the government connection that was dumped into the franchise in Spants 3 with absolutely no groundwork beforehand.
Others, no doubt, will claim that it's because transitioning between two jobs 2.5 hours apart has left me with little to no time to write. Others will claim that that it's because I can only do decent work three sheets to the wind, and my hard liquor fund is non-existent.
To all these criticisms I will simply answer...yeah, pretty much.
In good news, the new job will soon be 7-on/7-off, leaving me more time to actually write stuff. Next year's installment should be back on track. In the meantime...
SPANTS: Director's Cut:
A brightly lit, sterile-looking laboratory
Hot but ditzy graduate assistant: “Dr. Whackjob has developed this new solution which weakens the chemical composition of the insects DNA. He hopes to find a way to prevent them from reproducing, or even to stop the cells of the adults from replicating. Or something like that. He made a lot more sense in bed last night.”
Corrupt government inspector: “What is this random jar of spiders for?”
Assistant: “Oh, Dr. W likes spiders.”
Inspector, leaving: “Incidentally…”
Assistant: “Oh, right, your bribe.” Hands over wad of cash.
Inspector: “Um, I don’t take bribes.”
Assistant: “Oh, right, I meant ‘administrative fee’.”
Inspector: “Much better.” Counts cash, then pockets it. “Well, all the enclosures look secure to me.”
Interior of limo outside campus
Inspector: “Look, I believe in what he's doing as much as the rest of us, but his methods are just unsafe.”
General: “The good doctor's work is essential to national security. We are willing to overlook any...irregularities...as long as he continues to get results.”
Inspector: “Yes, but those enclosures...”
General: “Are perfectly adequate for the level of research he is currently doing. He is only working on perfecting the formula. By the time we get around to more...practical...applications, the research will be conducted in a top secret underground lab we're constructing in Idaho.”
Inspector: “Another 'budget overrun' in the F-35 program?”
General: “It's the gift that keeps on giving. The real question is, does the good doctor suspect where his grant is coming from?”
Inspector: “No, as far as they know, they're working for Generic Pesticide Conglomerate, Inc., and I’m just a government safety inspector on the take.”
General: “Good, let's keep it that way. Now, I'm off to the Hill to keep Generic Pesticides in business.”
Dimly lit laboratory
Night janitor, mopping floor and knocking over jar of spiders: “Aw, crap.”
Spiders escape and run across floor
Janitor: “Double crap”
Spiders break into ant enclosures and start screwing the queens.
Janitor: “Well that can't be good.”
Brightly lit laboratory, next day.
Dr. Whackjob: “Where the crap did my spiders go?”
Assistant: “Like, IDK”
Dr. W: “Aw crap, they’re in the ant enclosures. I knew I shouldn’t have scrimped on the seals.”
Assistant: “OMG.”
Dr. W: “If you weren't so good in bed, I wouldn't put up with you.”
Dr. W and Assistant clean out ant enclosures, hampered by his constant perusal of her butt each time she bends over.
Assistant: “Doctor, do these ants look fat to you?”
Dr. W: “Who cares, let’s go wax the desk in my office.”
Laboratory
Night janitor enters looking down, walks into big web.
Janitor: “What the...”
Fire ant drops down on line in front of janitor’s face.
Zoom to door. Screams echo down hall.
Laboratory, next morning
Assistant, walking funny: “Wow, what a night.” Sees mop laying on floor. “Is that Frank’s mop?”
Dr. W: “Frank?”
Assistant: “The night janitor.”
Dr. W: “You know him from somewhere?”
Assistant: “He used to come and work on my plumbing.”
Dr. W raises eyebrow.
Assistant: “Oh, that came out wrong.”
Dr. W: “Really.”
Assistant: “Well, he has a huge plunger.”
Dr. W looks up and sees janitor’s desiccated corpse hanging in web above head.
Dr. W: “Had”
Assistant: “Had?”
Dr. W: “Had a huge plunger.”
Assistant looks up. Ants start to drop from ceiling on lines.
Zoom to door. Screams echo down hall.
ICU room
Instrument: “Beep. Beep.”
Handsome, chiseled young doctor: “It would help if I knew what inflicted these injuries.”
Grizzled sheriff: “I don’t rightly know. All he kept moaning was ‘Spants’. Sounded like a danged record.”
Doctor: “Well, it reminds me of my days with medico sans frontiers.”
Sheriff: “Medi-whazzit?”
Doctor: “Doctors without borders. I was in the Amazon River Basin.”
Sheriff: “That near Stinkin’ Creek?”
Doctor: “In the rainforest. These bite marks look like the army ants. But an ant big enough to amputate a man’s leg would have to be 7.4 meters long.”
Sheriff: “Ampu-huh?”
Doctor: “Cut off.” Rolls eyed and continues. “And this stuff looks like tarantula web. But I’ve never seen web this thick. This would take a spider 12.3 meters long.”
Sheriff: “So you’re telling me that we have a gang of insects including a 7.4 something long ant and a 12.3 something spider?”
Doctor: “Well, a spider is an arachnid, not an insect.”
Sheriff: “Boy, don’t make me knock the far outta you.”
Sheriff’s office
Graduate assistant’s bookwormy-but-hot-in-a-girl-next-door-sort-of-way sister: “Sob! Why won’t you tell me what happened to her?!?”
Sheriff: “We don’t know.”
Sister: “Then why aren’t you out looking for her?!?”
Sheriff: “’Taint been 24 hours.”
Sister: “That’s not actually law and you know it.”
Sheriff: “Woman! Go back to the breakroom and get me a doughnut!”
Sister: “Up yours banjo-player!” Storms out, slamming door.
Young, rakishly handsome deputy: “Wait miss!”
Sister, turning on sidewalk: “What!”
Deputy: “Look, I’m sorry my boss is a sexist jerk. I’ll help you.”
Sister: “Thank you, but I’m gonna go it alone.”
Deputy (who has seen a lot of sci-fi): “Well, when you need me to dramatically rescue you, just scream.”
Science building hallway at night
Student watchman in Che t-shirt is arguing with Graduate Assistant’s Sister
Hippie: “Look, lady, you’re super-hot, and I’d love to help you in the hopes of getting you in the sack, but I’m really not supposed to let anybody into the lab here. Besides, I’m almost certain I heard Frank screaming last night, and now he’s missing.”
Sister: “What’s your major?”
Hippie: “Non-binary gender studies.”
Sister: “That sounds sooo interesting! Is there a place we can sit, and you can tell me all about it?”
Hippie: “Well, I suppose…”
Sewer
Hippie: “And so obviously, Marx’s theories were obviously the result of xis own gender-fluidity rebelling against the patriarchal society xe was living in.”
Sister, under breath: “Graduate Assistant, you had better appreciate this.”
Hippie: “I mean, how else does the labor theory of value make sense other than an existential scream that everyone’s life is worth the same no matter whom they choose to love.”
Sister, whirling: “It doesn’t!”
Hippie: “I know, right? Obviously—“
Sister: “No, you half-wit, I mean the labor theory of value makes no rational sense at all! You cannot suggest that you I spend thirty hours making a toaster that does not toast that it is somehow worth more than one that does work made in 15 minutes on an assembly line. That’s just stupid!”
Hippie: “You’re only saying that because the system—“
Noise echoes down sewer.
Sister: “Shhhh!!!”
Hippie: “Did you hear that?
Sister: “Yeah. Do you have a gun?”
Hippie: “They don’t issue us student watchpersons guns. And even if they did, I wouldn’t touch one of those killy killing things! Only proper authorities should carry them in the service of the redistribution of wea—“
Water behind Hippie roils as queen spant rises and cuts “xim” in half. Blood sprays everywhere.
Sister, wiping face: “Oh, thank God. Also, HEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPP!!!!”
Sister turns to run, but slips on Hippie’s well-distributed viscera. Queen spant seizes her.
Abandoned warehouse which happens to be connected by sewer to lab.
Sister, trapped in web with spants advancing toward her: “Help! I need to be dramatically rescued!”
ICU Doc, bursting in: “I figured out what happened! The spiders and ants crossbred! They made Spants!”
Sister, rolling eyes: “Do tell.”
ICU doc: “I brought Dr. W from the hospital! He’s perfected his formula!”
Sister: “He’s awake?!?”
Dr. W, hobbling in: “I woke up just in time to finish my research and to atone for what I did.”
Sister: “What did you do? Where’s my sister?”
Dr. W, in voiceover with flashback footage of him locking his assistant in fuzzy handcuffs and shoving her into the queen spant’s maw: “I…I sacrificed her selfishly to escape.”
Sister: “Noooooo!!!!”
Dr. W: “I know, but I’m here to atone for my deeds by heroically sacrificing myself to save the town.”
Sister, as fire spants start biting: “Kill them! Kill them!”
ICU doc: “With what?”
Sister, rolling eyes: “The spray, moron!”
ICU doc: “We can't, we've only just submitted it for EPA approval. The FDA won't get their sample until next month!”
Sister: “Okay, now you're just screwing with me.”
ICU doc: “Just because I have a highly developed sense of responsibility...”
Dr. W, muttering: “I'll bet that's the only thing well developed on you.”
Deputy, bursting through wall in tank: “Enough of this crap!” To the people in the halftrack rolling in behind: “Light it up boys!”
ICU doc: “Where did you get a tank??”
Deputy, unslinging rifle: “Same place I got these sweet mint-condition flamethrowers. The army hasn’t restocked our National Guard armory since Korea. I think they forgot we even had one. Billy there so scored a Tommy gun!”
Sister, bitten by first spant: “Ahhhhhh!”
Deputy, unsheathing machete: “I’m coming!” Hacks through web and retreats with cocooned Sister over his shoulder, shooting dozens of spants with uncanny accuracy and no need to reload with his recently acquired pistol. To posse: “Light it up!”
Posse: “On it!”
Posse members proceed to torch hive.
Queen spant, charging out of the dark to avenge her disintegrating hive: “Raaaarrrrr!”
ICU doc: “Wow, that thing is at least 7.4 meters tall. And 12.3 meters long.”
Deputy: “Crap! My flamethrower’s out!”
Other guys: “Ours too!”
Deputy: “What horrible and yet unsurprising development!”
Billy, emptying tommy gun: “And bullets don't hurt it!”
Deputy: “Saw that one coming, too!” Fires tank cannon: “Neither do shells! I must admit that one is kinda surprising!”
Dr. W: “My chance to redeem myself!” Seizes can and stumbles toward Queen.
Sister: “Won’t that weaken the DNA more and make further mutations more likely?”
ICU doc: “Don’t ask inconvenient questions. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.”
Dr. W, throwing himself into Queen’s pincers and getting cut in half: “Arrrgh!”
ICU doc: “Oh no! He dropped the can!”
Deputy, dramatically jacking a round into the chamber of his rifle: “I got it!” Aims at can and fires.
Can not only bursts but explodes into a 100 foot ball of flame. Queen perishes screaming in pain.
Outside warehouse
Heroes burst through wall clinging to various places on the tank, Deputy standing tall in the turret with Sister clinging romantically to him.
Sister: “Thank you for saving me, Deputy. Lets get married and have lots of sex and kids. Also, what is your name?”
ICU doc: “What about me? I really thought we had a connection.”
Sister: “Well, the thing is, Deputy’s not an idiot.”
ICU doc: “Well, screw you! I’m gonna go occupy Wall Street!”
Billy, looking forlornly at burning warehouse: “Well, there goes my half-track.”
George: “It's okay, there's three more at the armory. And I'm getting the Jenny to replace my old crop duster.”
Billy, brightening: “You're right! Coming Deputy? We're off to misappropriate some government property!
Deputy: “I'll be along later. Remember I called dibs on the Willy’s!” To Sister: “Do you want anything?”
Sister, looking dopily into Deputy’s eyes: “I have all I want.”
Deputy and Sister walk into sunset as credits roll.
After-credits cutscene
Large cockroach stumbles out of building with egg sac stuck to carapace.
For any gluttons for punishment, the rest of the series is below. The series will return to its regular schedule next year with Spants VIII: Hell Comes to Spantown
