All-black semi rolls by. Zoom to interior of cab where a stereotypical trucker sits next to a black suited agent.
Radio caller: "I'm just saying it seems odd that a weather station should explode, and only a year after an oil rig that hadn't produced anything in a decade. There's a conspiracy there, I'm sure of it!"
Radio host: "I think you're spot on there, sir. There is definitely a cover-up here. When we return, the latest in how crystals and essential oils can be used to cure cancer. The truth Big Pharma doesn't want you to know. But first a word from our sponsors."
Agent: "Whatever we pay this guy, it's not enough."
Trucker: "What do you mean?"
Agent: "Oh, noth--"
Loud pop followed by chaotic camera work as front tire of rig hits large pothole and explodes. Cut to exterior as truck jack-knifes and flips in physics-defying way. Trailer hits the highway, doors popping open.
Cut to cab as bloodied agent crawls out of cab. Agent struggles to pull radio out of coat.
Agent: "Mayday, mayday, this is Pompously Ominous Call Sign 1. There's been an accident."
Dispatcher: "Copy. Is the package intact?"
Agent: "Unknown. Advise full containment to be safe."
Dispatcher: "Drones are en route. What's your location?"
Agent: "We're at..."
Zoom out to street sign reading, "Welcome to Detroit"
Agent: "Aw, sh--"
Spants VII: Spants in the Hood
Well, I think we can officially say I am not a blogger. Still, I do have traditions. So for (all two of) the loyal Spants fans, here's this year's episode of Halloween schlock.
If you just stumbled across this, previous installments can be found here:
Colonel: "Look, we can't just launch an airstrike on downtown Detroit. There's no way we can keep that quiet!"
General: "Well, it's going to be decidedly harder to keep this quiet if it gets loose. How long before the covert team reaches the scene?"
Colonel: "Another half-hour. Traffic's a nightmare from the airport."
General: "Seriously? I bent over backwards to make sure we had clear roads and good conditions for this mission. After all the trouble I went through to make sure the Red Wings didn't make it to the playoffs..."
Colonel: "Well, it looks like most of the additional highway funds you arranged for found there way into the road commissioner's reelection campaign."
Colonel: "Well, it is kind of a thing there."
General: "Just tell me we've at least been able to persuade local law enforcement not to look too closely at what is in the trailer."
Colonel: "Don't worry, ever since the repeal of restrictions on the 1033 program, locals have gotten very cooperative with our goals."
General: "Small mercy."
Sheriff and Sister of hot-but-ditzy graduate assistant from original trilogy are getting ready for the day.
TV: "And for today's commuter report, the 75/96 junction is on lockdown as police investigate an early-morning accident that claimed at least two lives. We will continue to provide updates as more details become available."
Sheriff: "Traffic's going to be a pain again."
Sister: "Yeah, I sort of miss our old life." Melodramatic vacant look. "I suppose there's no use crying over it, though. You'd better leave if you don't want to be late for your first day."
Sheriff: "Especially since I've finally found an employer that I like."
Convoy of black SUV's pulls up to roadblock. SWAT officer on roof of MRAP swivels M2 towards them. Lead SUV's mirror-tinted window rolls down to show mirror-sun-glass-ed agent. Second officer checks ID, nods, and signals to allow SUV's to drive to wreck.
Agents get out and examine scene. Agent 1 holds over-sized machine gun while Agent 2 scans with high-tech devices.
Agent 1: "Well, the latches are shot, but I don't see any tracks. Maybe we lucked out."
Agent 2: "Yeah, the interior containment unit is pretty robust. Cover me. I'm going in."
Agent 2 cautiously approaches trailer doors.
Scanner: "Proximity detected. Engineered organic weapon 10 meters away."
Agent 2: "It's still in there! I think we might--"
Scanner: "Engineered organic weapon 5 meters away."
Agent 2: "But that means..."
Doors burst open to reveal mutant horror.
Scanner: "Engineered organic weapon 1 meter away."
Agent 2: "AAAAAHHHH!!!"
Agent 1 opens fire to no avail. He runs toward SWAT team blockade.
Agent 1: "Shoot her! Shoooooooot heeeeer!"
SWAT turns heavy weapons toward spant, but spant is on them before firing can commence.
Office of private security firm.
Sheriff: "I'm very excited about this opportunity. Law enforcement's gotten so gray for me, I just don't know if I'm really doing any good anymore."
CEO: "Well, you won't have to bother with all the gray areas now. We just protect people and places."
Agent 2 bursting in, suit in tatters: "Help!" Passes out.
CEO: "What on earth?"
Sheriff bending down to check pulse: "He's alive, but it looks like he's lost a lot of blood."
Sheriff, pulling agent's ID: "This says his name is John Doe."
Sheriff: "That's what it says. And he works for..." sees agency ID "...Aw, not again!"
CEO: "What's wrong?"
Sheriff, dialing phone: "Honey, I need you to bring the trailer here. They're coming again."
CEO: "What. Is. Wrong?"
Sheriff: "He works for the Division of Ominous Experiments."
CEO: "What's that?"
Sheriff: "A military department dedicated to turning perfectly good money into epic disasters."
CEO: "I thought that department was called the 'Pentagon.' I take it you've dealt with them before?"
Sheriff: "Once or twice."
Small apartment (outside)
Sister closes door on 26' UHaul.
Sister: "'Move to Detroit,' he says, 'There's no way they'll ever let a major metropolitan city be affected'."
CEO: "You said you've fought these things three times now. What kind of abilities do they have?"
Sheriff: "I don't know. Between the continued ill-advised experimentation and whatever wild-type genetics they pick up from the environment, there's no end to the possibilities. Our guest might be able to clue us in when he wakes up."
Agent 1: "Uhhhhhh"
CEO: "Well, that's convenient timing."
Sheriff: "Okay, what did you morons do now?"
Agent 1: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Sheriff: "I survived three spant infestations in Generic Midwest Town, USA, before you bastards nuked it. I knew you guys wouldn't stop. What nightmarish creation have you cooked up this time?"
Agent 1: "It's a Spant."
Sheriff: "Yeah, I know. What can they do this time?"
Agent 1: "There's only one. They decided after the oil rig that swarms were too hard to manage. So the antarctica team created the Splatterpillar, but the scientist betrayed everyone and attempted to make his own swarm."
CEO: "Wait, oil rig? Antarctica? You mean the guy on late night radio is right about a conspiracy?"
Agent 1: "Yes, but homeopathy is still BS."
Sheriff: "So what capabilities are we talking about here? How big?"
Agent 1: "It's not huge. They learned their lesson from the Spermite. It's only about the size of a compact SUV."
Agent 1: "But it still has a super-thick armored carapace. Mostly, they went for range."
Agent 1: "They added genes from Scytodidae. It lets them spit venom-laced web."
Sheriff: "Of course they did. Why not? What's the range?"
Sheriff: "Because venom-laced web is just not lethal enough?"
Agent 1: "Look I don't make the things. I was just supposed to clean it up."
Sheriff: "Just tell me how to kill it."
Agent 1: "You can't. They made it unkillable."
CEO: "Wanna bet? We don't go to guns very often, but my men are very skilled."
Agent 1: "My rifle was equipped with special armor-piercing rounds designed to take that thing out. It didn't even phase it. The SWAT team's M2's might have had a chance, but it incinerated them before they had a chance to fire."
CEO: "Oh. Yeah, we don't stock anything that size. We have to actually pay for our collateral damage."
Sheriff: "I think I have something that might help, but we're only going to get one shot at this, so we'll have to ambush it. Which direction was it headed?"
Agent 1: "It was headed northeast from the 75/96 junction."
CEO: "But that's straight toward the university!"
Campus, Main Quad
Hippie 1: "What are we doing out here, man?"
Hippie 2: "Look, there are millions of feelings hurt by inappropriate costumes every Halloween. I refuse to let that happen here. It's our duty to shame thoughtless bigots into the right kind of fun."
Hippie 1: "So this has nothing to do with your ex leaving you and joining the college libertarians?"
Hippie 2: "Well, I'm certainly not going to a party filled with people wearing culturally appropriative costumes."
Hippie 1: "I'm pretty sure you just made that word up."
Hippie 2: "Did not."
Noise in bushes.
Hippie 1: "What was that?"
Hippie 2: "I don't know. Probably some alt-right-er trying to scare us off our mission."
Hippie 2: "Hey! We're not scared of you! We're badass Nazi punchers!"
Hippie 1: "Dude, you sucker punched that guy. And still didn't even knock him down."
Hippie 2: "Doesn't matter. I made it known that I wouldn't tolerate opposing opinions in my safe space."
Hippie 1: "Look, I think we should get out of here."
Hippie 2: "No. I'm going to teach this piece of alt-right scum that I don't--"
Bushes part to reveal Spant staring backwards over shell. Pan back to fireball erupting.
Sheriff: "Look, I know you want to run off to help those kids, but if you go now, you'll just get your team killed. We need heavier weapons. Some more men would be good, too."
CEO: "Let me make a few calls."
30 minutes later, gang members of different colors eye each other distrustfully across table.
Red Leader: "Look, how do expect us to work with people we've been shootin at for years?"
Blue Leader: "Yeah, man, it's not like we're politicians: we actually hate each other. We don't just act like it for votes."
Green Leader: "Yeah. The blues killed my cousin last week!"
Blue Leader: "You killed my brother the month before!"
Sheriff: "Come on, let's not argue about who killed who. Look, the Spant wants to kill all of us. We have to band together if we want to survive this."
Green Leader: "Easy for you to say."
CEO: "Look, I'm not asking you all to trust each other. I'm asking you to trust me. You know how I operate. I don't care about what you do to pay the bills. I've never hassled any of you unless you were doing business in a building I was being paid to keep you out of."
Blue Leader: "True."
CEO: "All I care about is saving lives. And possibly turning a successful operation into a long-term contract providing security services for campus buildings."
Red Leader: "How do you even think we can kill this thing? It ripped that SWAT team apart."
Green Leader: "Yeah, it's not like we actually all have AK-47's and Uzi's like in the movies."
Agent 1: "Hey, the spant is fast, but it isn't that fast. Or strong. If the SWAT team had their heavy guns facing the actual threat instead of covering the approaches, they probably could have taken it."
Sheriff: "Besides, we're not asking you to kill it. We just need you to direct it."
Agent 1: "The spant is a predator. It's going to go after the easiest prey. As long as you make it hurt and leave it an escape route, you should be fine. Just don't try to surround it."
Red Leader: "How are you planning on killing it?"
Truck noise from outside.
Sheriff: "I've got something special planned."
Stadium announcer box
Gunfire sounds in distance
CEO: "Okay, the blues have turned it away from the dorms."
Sheriff: "Thank God. That would have been a mess."
CEO: "I know. I'm going to have nightmares about the Greek row for years."
Sheriff and Sister: "Meh."
Sheriff: "You know, I wish you'd listened to me and gotten out of here."
Sister: "No. I ran once. I'm not running again. We're going to kill that thing here. Together."
CEO: "The reds are reporting he's heading away from the SUB. Get ready."
Spant roars into stadium.
Flood lights switch on. Spant turns to retreat, but gang members fire from positions above entrance. Spant rears up to spray.
Sheriff: "Garand squad, go!"
Security guards appear firing armor piercing rounds into creatures underbelly. Spant turns to run, loosing a blast of flame. Members run down tunnel, chased by rolling flame that billows impressively out into the air above the team members who throw themselves to the ground at the last moment.
Dodging bullets, spant attempts to escape through tunnel. Cut to outside as minivan careens toward entrance while rifle team scatters.
Driver: "Out of the way! Out of the way!"
Minivan skids into tunnel. Driver slams vehicle into park dramatically, and jumps out, tossing a grenade into the rear.
Spant turns aside at last minute, and runs back into stadium just before explosion.
CEO: "Damn! We didn't get it!"
Sheriff: "Well, that's why we brought Plan B." Hits clacker.
Window explodes outward. Spant looks up to as CEO and Sheriff bring M40 recoilless rifle to bear.
Sister, : "Say, 'cheese'."
Shell streaks toward spant, impacting dead center and blowing the two halves across the field as smaller bits rain down.
Agent 1, CEO, Sheriff, and Sister approach still-twitching front half.
Sheriff: "Nice shot."
Agent 1: "I hate to say it, but thanks."
Sheriff: "How about you thank us by telling your bosses to never make one of these again?"
Agent 1: "I'm sure they'll 'take that under advisement'."
Agent 1: "There's a clean-up crew on the way. You all had better get out of here. They have a pretty strong policy about witnesses."
CEO: "Really? How are they planning on covering this up?"
Agent 1: "Oh, I think a war for control of drug distribution rights on campus by unusually heavily armed gang members should explain everything."
Sheriff: "You really think that people are going to buy that?"
Agent 1: "They always do. Go on. Get out of here."
CEO, Sheriff, and Sister leave Agent 1. Security team members pile into van and drive away from stadium as black helicopters approach.
Easter egg scene as Agent 1 is debriefed.
Colonel: "And at no time did you come into contact with any of these people?"
Tosses dossier files of Sheriff, Sister, Constable, Congressman, Aide, and Mechanic from Spants IV-VI onto table.
Agent 1: "No sir."
Colonel: "I find that hard to believe, since our sources show that two of them are currently living in the Detroit Metro area."
Agent 1: "Sir, if there have been this many incidents, might I suggest that perhaps the aims of this program is misguided?"
Colonel: "That sort of call is beyond your pay grade. And mine, for that matter. But I'll pass your suggestion on to the general."
Cut to behind two-way mirror where General is watching.
General: "I'll take that under advisement."