PSA

Grassy square

Dad:  "Hi, if you're like me, you grew up loving the classic teenage detective series, and you enjoy sharing them with your kids.  But recently, my daughter expressed concern with how often Nancy spends 'blacked out'."

Camera pulls back to show outside of gothic asylum

Dad:  "That's why I was so glad to learn about the Adolescent Literary Detective Concussion Research Institute and Assisted Living Center in Bayport."

Camera cuts to lobby

FWD: "Hello, I'm Franklin W. Dixon."

CK: "And I'm Carolyn Keene. Over the years, we've chronicled the many adventures of your beloved literary detectives, and we trust that they've provided hours of quality reading."

FWD: "But today, Frank, Joe, Nancy, Biff, Ned, Chet, Bess, and the rest of the gang need your help."

CK: "While much research has been done in the sports fields on chronic traumatic encephalopathy, the danger to fictional teenage detectives has been largely ignored."

FWD:  "And while we all know the dangers of concussions, even getting choked out or suffocated can cause permanent hypoxic brain injury."

CK: "And that doesn't even begin to include the number of poisonings!"

FWD:  "Indeed. And victims rarely seek prompt, definitive medical attention--even when the chronological setting allows for CT scans and MRIs."

CK:  "And all this impact on young, developing brains.  And more:  chronic chloroform exposure causes cancer and kidney disease."

FWD:  "The average teenage detective will be rendered unconscious at least twice in any three given volumes.  And with upwards of 60 books per series rehash, the sad truth is, most teenage detectives are practically vegetables by the third reboot."

CK: "Everybody complained that I dumbed Nancy down starting with the On Campus series to make her more relatable, but that was really just what happens when you take that many shots to the noggin."

Camera cuts to Nancy in a wheel chair as Ned tries to feed her porridge.

NN: "You know, I always loved Nancy, even during the off and on phase we had during the Files. I was always taking care of her in the old days."

Hand tremors, and he drops spoon.

NN: "But the simple fact is that with 46 concussions of my own, I simply can't do it all anymore."

Orderly in white coat appears to clean up and take over feeding.

NN: "That's why I'm thankful for the Adolescent Literary Detective Concussion Research Institute. Here, Nancy can get the full-time care she deserves after all her work."

Middle-aged man walks by.

NN: "Hey, Chet!"

CM: "Hey, Ned."

NN: "Here to see Frank and Joe?"

CM: "Yep."

NN: "How's your sister? I bet Joe would love to see her."

CM, stiffening: "She's dead, Ned.  She died in the Case Files."

NN:  "She did?  Oh, man..."

CM:  "Yes, Ned, I tell you this every time."

NN, crestfallen: "Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot again."

CM: "Yeah, well, so did Dixon in the next reboot."

Camera cuts back to Dixon and Keene wearing strained smiles.

CK: "So please donate to the Adolescent Literary Detective Concussion Research Institute and Assisted Living Center today."

FWD: "And help us crack the case on degenerative neurological illness."