22 in a 55

Or, “Get your [redacted] [redacted] scooter off the [redacted] road, you [redacted] [redacted].”

Anyone who has spent any amount of time with me knows that I hate scooters.  Really, really, hate scooters.

A little history, first.  In 1928, the RNC ran a campaign promising, “A chicken in every pot.  And a car in every backyard, to boot.”  While Black Tuesday the following year made this particular promise a tad bit harder to live up to, politicians the world over continued to tout universal mobility as the mark of prosperity.

Enter the fascists.

When you nationalize the automotive industry in a nation, you can go a long way to providing cheap vehicles.  Of course, it’s only cheap because your neighbor is helping pay for it, but those thoughts are far away when you look at the sticker price.  Here, however, is the difference between German engineering, and Italian engineering:

Hitler’s family car:

Mussolini’s family car:

Somehow, through the wonders of advertising, the Vespa scooter has survived in some form for the last 70 years.

Blame it on the Vespa girl:

On a side note, the ad raises an interesting question.  Does anyone really think a Vespa could climb the Italian Alps?  And does anyone really think you can ice skate outside in shorts like that?

Now, a woman that good-looking can drive a Vespa if she wants.  If you are a man riding one, you are pretty much missing some equipment.

And if you are if you are a bloody 250-pound man on a 25cc scooter, going 20 mph up a hill on a 55 mph highway with 5 vehicles stuck behind you, you are a traffic hazard as well as sub-optimally equipped.  And if I am one of those vehicles, I can assure you that you are not only a unequipped traffic hazard, but a much maligned one, as well.

A coworker once told me that in some states, scooters can be used without license, and are therefore the go-to vehicle for people with suspended licenses due to DUI's.  That would explain a lot.  Presumably, the thought process is that an irresponsible driver is far less of a danger to others on a 150-pound vehicle than he is in a 2000-pound one.  Either that, or they figure if he's too drunk to drive, he'll just fall over with only 2 wheels.

However, given that swerving for dogs is known to cause fatalities, I'm pretty sure a guy falling down on a scooter is at least as dangerous.

So, from now on, I will assume that scooter drivers are all drunken hazards to the well-being of all drivers.

Now to decide, does that mean I need to avoid them, or do my best to remove them from the pool of drivers?