Sproach!!!

It's Halloween again, which means 2 things:  my first ever attempt at pumpkin carving

I should have gotten bigger bolts

and the release of the much-anticipated sequel to last Halloween's classic horror/scifi movie Spants.

So, without further ado:

Spants II:  Sproach

Country road. Old truck drives along, driven by Farmer B. Suddenly, his eyes go wide. He jerks the wheel. Zoom out as the truck rolls in air and lands, then bursts into flames.

Sheriff’s office

Door opens, ringing quaint bell above door. Sheriff (formerly Deputy) sits morosely. Dispatcher walks in, carrying donuts.

Dispatcher: “Mornin’, Sheriff”

Sheriff: “Hey, Dispatcher”

Dispatcher sets down box.

Dispatcher: “Okay, we need to have a talk.”

Sheriff: “About what?”

Dispatcher: “You. You may have been appointed after the former Sheriff resigned in disgrace over ignoring the Spants outbreak, but you’re up for re-election this year. You’re going to have to pull it together. You may be wildly popular for your heroics last year, but Old Sheriff has his friends.”

Sheriff: “Maybe I don’t want the job. I should have just gone with her.”

Dispatcher: “Enough of that. You belong here. Sister belonged in the big city where she won’t be typecast. Get over it. Besides, the hot teacher in our small-town school has been eyeing you for years.”

Sheriff: “You mean my high school sweetheart?”

Door opens and Farmer A rushes in.

Farmer A: “Sheriff, come quick!”

Sheriff: “What’s wrong?”

Farmer A: “There’s been a wreck! It’s Farmer B.”

ICU

Machines: “Beep. Beep.”

Sheriff: “How’s he doing, Doc?”

ICU Doc: “Not good. He’s fading in and out of consciousness. He’s got massive internal bleeding and burns over 40% of his body. He probably won’t last the night.”

Farmer B: “Sheriff.”

Sheriff (rushing to bedside): “I’m here.”

Farmer B: “Sheriff, they’re ba—“

Machines: “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP”

Farmer B’s rebellious teenage son enters room.

Kid: “NOOO!!!!!!”

Outside hospital

Kid: “He was never proud of me. That’s all I ever wanted to hear.”

Sheriff: “Yes he was. He talked about you all the time.”

Kid: “Well, he never told me.”

Sheriff: “He was just hard on you because he knew you had so much potential.”

Kid: “When did he say that?”

Sheriff: “Typically right before having me run you down for joyriding again. Your habitual joyriding in hot-rods that display a handy skill with everything mechanical.”

Kid: “Handy?”

Sheriff: “Later. I have to go look at the crime scene.”

Wreck site

Farmer A: “You notice that there’s huge damage to the grill? It rolled over, but didn’t hit any trees.”

Sheriff: “I’ll take a closer look.”

Farmer A: “What do you see?”

Sheriff: “Something’s stuck in it. Hey this looks like a big bug leg. You don’t think…”

Farmer A: “Can’t be. We got them all last year!”

Sheriff (finds large shell and holds it up): “Apparently not. This look like a cockroach shell to you?”

Farmer A: “Aw, hell. Now they got armor. I think we oughta leave.”

Sheriff: “Me, too.”

Town meeting

Former Sheriff: “You said we were all safe after last year! You said you got all of them!”

Sheriff: “I never said anything of the kind. I said we couldn’t find anymore.”

ICU Doc: “No, but I assured them it was all over!”

Sheriff: “Well, that just makes you an idiot.”

Former Sheriff: “If I’m elected, I’ll clean up this town of sproaches!”

Teacher: “Like you did last time?”

Bar

Sheriff: “I appreciate your support at the meeting.”

Teacher: “Look, we all know you’re doing your best.”

Sheriff: “I guess that’s comforting. Incidentally, what can you tell me about Kid?”

Teacher: “He’s brilliant, yet has discipline issues, most likely due to his father’s aloofness. Why are you so concerned with him?”

Sheriff: “Well, he just lost his father. I can relate.”

Ms. Teacher: “Well, I think there may be more than that, too.”

Sheriff: “Really?”

Teacher: “Yes. He also seems to have a crush on the really hot but also totally sweet homecoming queen who’s been waiting for him to make a move for years.”

Sheriff: “And you know this how?”

Teacher: “She works with me volunteering down at the hospital. In fact, we’re going with some kids from the children’s ward to a charity thing.”

Sheriff: “With ICU doc?”

Teacher: “Yes, as a matter of fact. Why, jealous?”

Sheriff: “Of course not. Despite my absolute disdain for him, his hippiness, and the fact that he’s backing my opponent in the race due to the way I embarrassed him last year, it’s your life.”

Teacher: “That is precisely the wrong answer.”

Teacher stands up and storms off in huff. Sheriff looks at bartender. Bartender shakes head in amazement at Sheriff’s ineptness.

Sheriff’s office

Farmer A: “Well, if this map’s correct, they’re lining Highway Random Number.”

Sheriff: “But that’s the route Teacher’s bus is taking!”

Kid: “We have to stop them!”

Dispatcher: “Too late! I just got a call. The bus has disappeared!”

Sheriff: “Farmer A, go do some flyovers! We have to find it!”

Bus

ICU Doc: “Don’t worry. They’ve taken us hostage. That shows intelligence. I think I can reason with them. I’m going out there to open a dialogue.”

Teacher: “Don’t go!”

ICU Doc steps outside and is immediately cut in half by large sproach.

Teacher: “Well, that was thoroughly gratuitous.”

Homecoming Queen: “Too bad, too. He was awfully cute.”

Chunk of torso slams into windshield then slides down streaking blood.

Homecoming Queen: “Not so much anymore.”

Teacher: “I’m rather surprised he survived the last time.”

Sheriff’s office

Farmer A: “I found them!”

Sheriff: “Where?”

Farmer A: “They’re at the old quarry.”

Kid: “How are you going to get them?”

Sheriff: “Grab your tools and meet me at the absurdly well-stocked armory.”

Armory

Sheriff: “So, do you think you can make her work?”

Camera pulls out to show old Bell 47.

Kid: “Of course. But who are you going to get to fly it?”

Sheriff: “It’s old and simple. I figure Farmer A can figure it out.”

Kid: “I may have a better idea.”

Helicopter

Sheriff: “Remind me how you learned to fly one of these?”

Kid: “Ten years of Microsoft Flight Simulator!”

Sheriff: “That seems a bit far-fetched.”

Kid: “As far fetched as a high school full of students, none of whom have acne? Dude, just go with it. By the way, what’s the stereo for?”

Sheriff: “Ever see Apocalypse Now?”

Kid: “I’m not that old.”

Sheriff: “If you weren’t my pilot, I’d throw you out here and now.”

Sheriff hits switch and “Flight of the Valkyries” starts to play.

Quarry

Kindergartner A: “Ms. Teacher! What do we do?”

Teacher: “Just stay calm. I’m sure help is on the way.”

Kindergartner B: “Do you hear music?”

Teacher: “I think it’s help!”

Lights appear overhead. Helicopter flares into hover above bus. Sheriff leans out and takes handle of M2 mounted to side. Helicopter slowly rotates and bullets rip lines across dirt. Giant carapaced arachnids explode, splattering insectoid gore everywhere.

Teacher: “We’re saved!”

As helicopter slowly lands, bus gives sideways lurch. Massive boss sproach comes from under ground. Shaking free of the dirt, it turns and launches massive strand of web towards helicopter. Web wraps around tail rotor.

Sheriff: “We’re going down! Jump!”

Sheriff and Kid hit dirt as helicopter rolls over, dramatically spinning off blades that tear through dirt next to their heads. Several slightly less gigantic sproaches come from ground and begin scurrying towards them.

Sheriff climbs onto side of burning helicopter Audey Murphy-style and starts gunning them down with M2, on bracket conveniently bent to be perpendicular with ground. M2 runs out of ammo as last one dies.

Boss sproach lumbers towards them. Sheriff reaches into wreckage, trying to dislodge large case.

Sheriff: “I can’t reach it!”

Kid: “I can fit!”

Sheriff: “No, it’s about to explode!”

Kid jumps into wreckage anyway and digs out case, passing it to Sheriff, before crawling out and jumping away just as fuel tanks explode.

Sheriff opens case and retrieves bazooka, hoists it to shoulder and fires at Rhino. Rhino takes it down the throat and explodes. Sheriff drops launcher and stumbles to Kid, who is lying in crumpled heap.

Homecoming Queen (stumbling from bus): “NOOO!!!!!!” Drops to knees by Kid. “Are you alright? Please be alright!”

Kid (coming to, then staring glimpse down Homecoming Queen’s shirt: “Oh, I’m great.”

Teacher walks slowly to Sheriff: “Aw, young love. Remember when we were like that?”

Sheriff (taking Teacher’s hand): “Think we could be like that again?”

Ms. Teacher: “I think so.” Looks around at bug corpses. “Do you think we’re finally rid of them?”

Sheriff: “Maybe, but I’ll be watching for them this time.  You know roaches, once you get them, you’re never truly rid of them.”

Sheriff and Teacher walk into sunrise as emergency vehicles pull up. Zoom to lone, small sproach crawling out of quarry. Camera rises to show field on other side of hill.

Coming soon: Spants 3: Spanthopper.