Happy Halloween to all!
Once again, it is time for the latest installment in my epically cliched, hackneyed, yet thoroughly enjoyable B scifi series. Soon to be a major motion picture if I can ever get the number for the people who produced Sharknado.
And links for the previous episodes, Spants and Spants II: Sproach.
Spants III: Spanthopper
Corn field
Small crop duster
flies over field. It banks to make another pass. Zoom to cockpit
where Farmer C flicks a switch. Camera pans out to tail as
insecticide starts to pour from tail. Camera zooms out as Farmer C
makes next pass. Below, grass rustles.
Farmer C: “What
the—“
Spants III:
Spanthopper
Small pond
Farmer A and
Sheriff sit on shore watching bobbers. Sheriff appears morose.
Small plane from opening sequence flies overhead.
Farmer A: “There
goes Farmer C.”
Sheriff: “Yep.”
Farmer A: “Not
much biting today, I guess.”
Sheriff: “Nope.”
Farmer A: “Don’t
matter I suppose, I didn’t just bring you down here to fish.”
Sheriff: “I
figured.”
Farmer A: “You’ve
been hiding in that bottle ever since Teacher died in a horrific, yet
convenient car accident last year.”
Sheriff: “It was
my fault! I busted Redneck B fourteen times for DUI! I should have
made sure his license got pulled permanently!”
Farmer A: “He was
driving on a suspended license anyway. Do you really think pulling
it would have done any good? You have to stop blaming yourself.”
Smoke appears in
distance. Farmer A and Sheriff jump to their feet.
Farmer A: “Was
that Farmer C’s plane?”
Sheriff: “Call
the hospital!”
Hospital
Doctor: “I’m
afraid there was nothing we could do. He likely died instantly. The
only thing I can say is he probably didn’t suffer.”
Farmer C’s widow:
“Sorry if I don’t find that particularly comforting. Especially
with the crop failing and the bank about to foreclose.”
Slutty Research
Assistant’s sister from Spants bursts into room.
Sheriff: “What
are you doing here?”
Doctor: “Off-hand,
I’d guess her career didn’t go as she had hoped.”
Sister: “Later.
Widow, is there anything I can do to help?”
Widow: “It’s
enough just having you here, dearie.”
Outside hospital
Sister: “I heard
about the wreck. Widow and I were close. I came to see if I could
help.”
Sheriff: “That’s
it?”
Sister: “No. The
reason I left is that I was scared. My psychologist said I needed to
come back to face my fears.”
Sheriff: “Well,
in your absence we killed most of them. And I go hunting for them
every couple months. I haven’t found any this year.”
Sister: “We have
to check that field.”
Field at night
Sister and
Sheriff sneak through grass.
Sheriff: “You
broke my heart you know.”
Sister: “I’m
sorry. It’s just that every time I drove past the college, all I
could think about was my sister.”
Sheriff: “Shh!
Did you hear that?
Grass rustles.
Sister: “No.”
Grass rustles
more.
Sister: “I didn’t
hear than either.”
Sheriff draws
revolver.
Sheriff: “I don’t
like this.”
Men in black
fatigues burst from the corn. A helicopter appears overhead with a
spotlight blinding the two.
Soldier 1: “On
the ground! On the ground!”
Soldier 2: “Drop
the weapon! Drop the weapon!”
Sister and
Sheriff comply.
Soldier 3: “You’re
coming with us.”
Mobile Command
Center
Sheriff: “Is it
just me, or is this center bigger on the inside?”
General: “The
technology was a gift from some British friends. Torch-something
institute.”
Sheriff: “What
did they get in return?”
General: “A
little formula that weakens the DNA of insects, allowing them to be
bred for weaponization.”
Sister: “So you
knew all along?”
General: “Knew?
Who do you think was funding the project?”
Sheriff: “Well,
what are you going to do now?”
General: “Our
first priority is to ensure that none of these escape.”
Sister: “You’re
going to nuke the town! You can’t!”
General: “Of
course we’re not going to drop a nuke on American soil. Can you
imagine the PR nightmare that would be?”
Sheriff: “Oh
thank God.”
General: “We’re
using napalm.”
Sheriff: “What!?!?”
General: “Well,
we’re napalming the surrounding area. We’re dropping a
daisy-cutter on
the actual field.”
Sister: “There
are people there!”
General: “And
we’ll give them as much time to leave as we can. But time is of
the essence.”
Sheriff: “How
long do I have to get them out?”
General: “Well,
according to our cartoonishly large countdown clock on the wall,
about an hour.
Ridge ¼-mile
away from field
SpecOps soldier 1
(holding laser designator): “It just doesn’t seem right.”
SpecOps soldier 2:
“I know, targeting American citizens. On American soil, no less.”
SpecOps soldier 1:
“Yeah, at least the president has the decency to snuff US citizens
in foreign countries.”
General (on radio):
“We have confirmed reports that the persons inhabiting the target
area have formally renounced their citizenship in protest.”
SpecOps soldier 2:
“Shiny, let’s kill hippies.”
Field
Hippie 1: “Hell,
no! We won’t go!”
Hippie 2: “You
can’t kill us all!”
Hippie 3: “Give
peace a chance!”
Hippie 4: “Drop
acid, not bombs.”
Hippie 5: “Hey,
hey, LBJ! How many kids did you kill today?”
Hippie 1: “Huh?”
Hippie 2: “Oh,
never mind him. He’s just old-school hippie. He shows up to every
protest he can.”
Hippie 3: “Um,
Hippie 6, Vietnam’s been over for a while.”
Hippie 5: “So I
can finally take a shower?”
Hippie 1: “That,
and you could use a new slogan.”
Hippie 5: “Shoot
drugs, not bugs?”
Hippie 1: “I
like.”
Corn stalks
rustle behind picket line.
Hippie 3: “What
was that?”
Spanthoppers
burst from field, devouring hippies like airborne piranhas before
moving on toward the town.
A few who fed on
Hippie 5 stumble glassy-eyed in other directions.
Center of town
Sister: “We gotta
get everyone out of here!”
Sheriff: “Alright,
people, we need to get every truck, jeep, APC, and anything else with
wheels or tracks out of the absurdly well-stocked armory.”
Cargo plane flies
overhead.
Sheriff: “Come on
forks, let’s saddle up!”
Cockpit of cargo
plane.
Pilot: “We’re
near the drop zone! Arm it!”
Technician:
“Armed!”
Pilot: “Prepare
to drop on 5, 4,”
Camera to wing as
spanthoppers get sucked in to engine.
Center of town
In distance,
cargo plane goes down
Sheriff: “It
didn’t go off.”
Widow: “Let me
into that Sherman.”
Sheriff: “What
are you going to do?”
Widow: “I'm gonna
set off that bomb!”
Sheriff: “How
would you even know how to do that?”
Widow: “I worked
on the BLU-82 line during ‘Nam.”
Sister: “That
seems awfully convenient.”
Widow: “Plus,
I'll draw them off. Give you more time to get everyone out of here.”
Sheriff: “But
you’ll be killed!”
Widow: “Well, with my husband gone and the farm repossessed, I ain’t
got much to live for anymore, do I?”
Widow gets into
tank. Camera pulls back as she drives off. As she nears edge of
town, the swarm of Spanthoppers changes course to follow her.
Sister: “Why'd
you let her go?”
Sheriff: “Let's
just not let her die for nothing. Let's move folks!”
Field
Tank bursts into
view, plowing through corn. Spanthoppers cover entire body.
Widow: “Ahhhhh!!!”
Tank arrives at
plane. Widow jumps out. Spanthoppers descend on her, tearing at her
as she stumbles up the cargo ramp. She falls to the deck just short
of the bomb, but crawls the last few inches, stretching dramatically
to the handy manual detonation switch in the form of a big red
flashing button.
Widow: “Die, you
ba---“
Hill overlooking
town
Crowd of people
look towards town. Mushroom cloud appears in field.
Sister: “Do you
think she got them all?”
Sheriff: “I doubt
it.”
Napalm ignites,
obliterating town in an amazing demonstration of bad CGI.
Sheriff: “That,
on the other hand, may have done the trick.”
Sister: “No.
They’ll never be gone. Never.”
Sister bursts
into tears. Sheriff hugs her.
Sheriff: “It’s
okay. There’s nothing here for us anymore. We’ll move far
away.”
Sister: “We?”
Sheriff: “We.”
Sister: “And if
they find us?”
Sheriff goes to
large truck and pulls back cover, revealing most of the well-stocked
armory.
Sheriff: “We’ll
be ready.”
Stay tuned for the
next episode, Spants IV: Spermite.
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