Frozen-in Antarctic lab
Cut to interior
Scientist from Spants V and hot research assistant stand next to each other, front-lit by light from enclosure.
Assistant: “What do you think?”
Scientist: “She’s beautiful.”
Assistant: “We’re ahead of schedule. We’ll have plenty of time to run our evaluations before the brass shows up in spring.” Turns to walk away. “Next assignment I draw better be on a beach somewhere.”
Scientist, placing hand against glass: “Soon.” Eyes turn green.
Spants VI: Splatterpillar
Welcome to this year’s foray into B-SciFi fun. For those of you just joining (or those who are just gluttons for punishment), the preceding chapters can be found here:
Motor pool.
Expendable Maintenance Worker A works on a Sno-Cat in the last light. EMWA turns toward off-camera sound.
EMWA: “What are you doing here?”
Cut to image of pipe-wrench swinging through air.
Scientist: “Sorry A, but she needs to feed. She must grow up big and strong.”
Kitchen
Kitchen
Mechanic: “It just seems like Scientist is acting erratically the last few days.”
Assistant: “He’s just a little eccentric.”
Mechanic: “He keeps talking about his ’precious.’ That can’t be healthy.”
Assistant: “We’ve been stuck in this station for 3 months. That makes everyone irritable.”
Mechanic: “Look, I’ve done 5 winters on 3 stations over the past decade. I know what winter-over syndrome looks like. This ain’t it. He spends all his time in that lab. Whatever you guys are working on is having effects on him.”
Assistant: “And what would you know of that?”
Mechanic: “Hey, whatever you’re cooking up in there is above my pay grade. I just want you to stay safe, okay?”
Assistant: “You’re right: it is above your pay grade.”
Main lab
Expendable Maintenance Worker C: "Can't believe A wandered off and left this job half-done."
Mechanic: "I'm not sure he wandered off."
EMWC: "Look, if I know A, he's probably off in one of the supply depots sleeping off a bad trip."
Mechanic: "I've checked all the supply depots. And where are B and C?"
EMWC, tightening final bolt: "Well, that should do it. Time to call it a night and go unwind."
Mechanic: "Look, C, I'm usually the first to support your right to relax in whatever way you see fit. But I think you should probably stay focused right now. We're down to just the two of us, and I don't want to have to keep this place running by myself."
EMWC: "Maybe you should come with me. Sounds like you could use a hit."
Mechanic: "And you wonder why you never get promoted."
EMWC: "Whatever. The man just doesn't like my sticking it to him."
Mechanic: "Fine. I'll go to Commander and get his help. But if we have to search this place top to bottom, you might not like what we find."
EMWC: "Fascist! You wouldn't."
Mechanic: "You can either help me, or you'll need to find a better place for your stash."
EMWC runs off.
Commander’s office
Mechanic: “Look, I’m up to three of my crew missing, and I want a search party organized.”
EMWC, hurriedly throwing bags of weed, blotter paper, and bottles into duffel bag: "Fascist dick."
EMWC jerks door open to find Scientist.
Scientist: "My, my, my."
EMWC: "What...what are you doing here?"
Scientist, pointedly looking at loose paraphernalia: "Is that all yours? And I thought I had a lab."
EMWC: "No, man, this is just stuff I found! Some dude's stash."
Scientist: "Glad to hear it. I think Commander might have something to say if he found out about that."
EMWC: "Oh, you don't need to bother him."
Scientist: "No, I don't. I just need a quick favor. Some of my lights are bad in the main lab."
Main lab
Expendable Maintenance Worker B: “Look, sir, I’d love to help, but I’m not cleared to be in these enclosures.”
Scientist: “The light level is extremely important to our experiments. If we don’t get that light on, we will be set back months. We may not even be able to leave as scheduled, and none of us want that.”
EMWB: “Okay, I guess, but if Commander gets word of this, I’m blaming you.”
Scientist: “Trust me, Commander will never know about any of this.”
EMWB enters enclosure as Scientist watches through observation window.
EMWB (over intercom): “Well, there’s your problem! The bulbs are all loose.”
Scientist’s face is bathed in light.
EMWB: “Hey? What’s that box? You said this enclosure was empty!”
Scientist presses button, closing door.
EMWB: “What are you doing? Let me out!” Pause. “What was that? Umm, nice…whatever you are…Back. Back. Ewww! It spit on me! Let me out!”
Scientist: “I’m sorry B. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
EMWB: “You---“
Loud pop, and observation window is covered in gore.
Motor pool
Motor pool
Expendable Maintenance Worker C: "Can't believe A wandered off and left this job half-done."
Mechanic: "I'm not sure he wandered off."
EMWC: "Look, if I know A, he's probably off in one of the supply depots sleeping off a bad trip."
Mechanic: "I've checked all the supply depots. And where are B and C?"
EMWC, tightening final bolt: "Well, that should do it. Time to call it a night and go unwind."
Mechanic: "Look, C, I'm usually the first to support your right to relax in whatever way you see fit. But I think you should probably stay focused right now. We're down to just the two of us, and I don't want to have to keep this place running by myself."
EMWC: "Maybe you should come with me. Sounds like you could use a hit."
Mechanic: "And you wonder why you never get promoted."
EMWC: "Whatever. The man just doesn't like my sticking it to him."
Mechanic: "Fine. I'll go to Commander and get his help. But if we have to search this place top to bottom, you might not like what we find."
EMWC: "Fascist! You wouldn't."
Mechanic: "You can either help me, or you'll need to find a better place for your stash."
EMWC runs off.
Commander’s office
Mechanic: “Look, I’m up to three of my crew missing, and I want a search party organized.”
Commander: “I cannot permit unauthorized personnel to go snooping around this facility.”
Mechanic: “Sir, you may be responsible for the security of this project, but my men’s safety is my call.”
Commander: “Rules are rules.”
Mechanic: “Fine. But when it's just me, there's going to be some serious plumbing issues.”
Supply depot
Supply depot
EMWC, hurriedly throwing bags of weed, blotter paper, and bottles into duffel bag: "Fascist dick."
EMWC jerks door open to find Scientist.
Scientist: "My, my, my."
EMWC: "What...what are you doing here?"
Scientist, pointedly looking at loose paraphernalia: "Is that all yours? And I thought I had a lab."
EMWC: "No, man, this is just stuff I found! Some dude's stash."
Scientist: "Glad to hear it. I think Commander might have something to say if he found out about that."
EMWC: "Oh, you don't need to bother him."
Scientist: "No, I don't. I just need a quick favor. Some of my lights are bad in the main lab."
Commander's office
Commander, Assistant, and Mechanic stand around desk with shredded Che shirt.
Mechanic: "You two level with me. Now."
Commander: "It's classified."
Assistant: "We made a Spant."
Commander: "Shut up!"
Assistant: "No. This has gone too far!"
Mechanic: "What's a Spant?"
Commander, Assistant, and Mechanic stand around desk with shredded Che shirt.
Mechanic: "You two level with me. Now."
Commander: "It's classified."
Assistant: "We made a Spant."
Commander: "Shut up!"
Assistant: "No. This has gone too far!"
Mechanic: "What's a Spant?"
Assistant: “Scientist's grand work. It involves a special formula that weakens DNA and allows otherwise incompatible species to mate. In this case, we took standard Sparassidae and bred them with specimens from Scytoidae, Lonomia, and Chactoidea.”
Mechanic: “I’m sorry: I’m afraid my entomology is a bit rusty. Comes from a life not spent making mutant horrors.”
Commander: “They found the biggest-ass spider they could, crossed it with a caterpillar that makes venom that prevents clotting then crossed that with the cross-species offspring of a venom-spitting spider and a scorpion whose venom increases blood pressure until the human body can’t withstand it.
Mechanic: “Of course. Because only two of those wouldn't be horrible enough. Assistant, how can you possibly be part of this?”
Assistant: “Scientist said we were making a weapon so terrifying that it would end all wars.”
Mechanic: “And tell me, how did that work out with the machine gun? Or poison gas? Or nukes? I know, maybe the answer to a dictator we don’t like is backing a bunch of terrorists who decapitate children!”
Mechanic: “And you, Commander! I thought you were smarter than this.”
Commander: “Look, they were going to do it with or without me. I figured this way I could at least make sure it didn’t get loose.”
Mechanic: “Have you ever heard the term ‘facilitating’?”
Assistant: “Hey! Wake up! The world is a dangerous place. Iran, ISIS, Putin!”
Mechanic: “Just because other people are evil does not give us the right to engage in bat-shit lunacy!”
Assistant: “Fine, we get it: we screwed the pooch. But it’ll be another month before we can be evacuated. We have to figure out how to fix this.”
Commander: “All we really have to do is get out of here. There is a top-secret satellite that comes overhead twice a day that carries two-dozen kinetic bombardment munitions. I can call in the strike in the event of a containment breach. It was the only way I’d agree to take this post.”
Mechanic: “It’s two days to the nearest installation. There’s no way we can make it that far in this weather.”
Assistant: “If only we had Scientist here to help us.”
Screen flickers to life on Commander’s desk.
Scientist: “Why would I do that, my dear?”
Assistant: “Scientist! How are you alive?”
Scientist: “Alive? Oh, I’m so much more than that.”
Commander: “What are you talking about?”
Webcam zooms out to show Splatterpillar sitting on scientist’s lap.
Scientist: “Ever since the ill-fated experiment on the oil rig, I have been carrying the hive mind alone. But it is too big for one man. It is meant to be shared. And now, I have my partners.”
Commander: “Partners?”
Scientist: “Oh, yes. Not all of your men were for food. The queen needs soldiers to guard her.”
Webcam zooms out further to show a dozen green-eyed soldiers.
Mechanic: “Holy…”
Scientist: “And when my queen gives birth to her brood, we shall rule the world.”
Assistant: “Gives birth?”
Scientist: “Yes. That is why I have had to feed her so much. She is getting close. We are linked, you see. I can see what she sees, hear what she hears, and feel what she feels. You have no idea what it’s like!”
Mechanic: “I once ate one of maintenance worker C's super-special brownies before watching Antman.”
Scientist <pause>: “Oh. Well. I guess you do know what it’s like. At any rate, I give you this one chance: join the hive, or feed the hive.”
Commander: “Never!”
Scientist: “Oh, but one of you already has!”
Screen goes dark.
Assistant: “Well, it’s not me.”
Commander: “How do we know? You’ve been spending an awful lot of time with him.”
Mechanic: “I’m sure there’s a way to figure it out.”
Commander: “Could we maybe put blood samples in petri dishes and touch them with a hot wire?”
Mechanic: “That is the dumbest thing I’ve heard all day.”
Assistant: “We have to know who can be trusted before we can make any plan! If not, the hive will know what we are planning.”
Commander: “Somebody seems to know an awful lot of this hive mind’s capabilities.”
Mechanic: “It’s no use. There’s no way for us to know who can and cannot be trusted. We must simply sacrifice ourselves by calling in the space strike. Commander, call it in.”
Commander reaches for phone, then stops, eyes turning green: “I’m afraid that’s impossible.”
Mechanic: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Commander draws sidearm, but Mechanic kicks rolling office chair into him and shot goes wide. As Commander stumbles, Assistant grabs monitor and hits him in the head.
Mechanic, retrieving pistol: “Feel this.”
Kitchen
Scientist and soldiers flinch as gunshot echoes down the hall.
Scientist, hoarsely: “Avenge!”
Soldiers march toward office.
Boiler room
Assistant: “We’re screwed! Even if we escape, we cannot call in the space strike without the Commander!”
Mechanic: “Who said anything about escaping? We’re not running away.”
Assistant: “We’re not?”
Mechanic, smiling fiendishly: “Nope. Just baiting a trap."
Scientist’s voice from other end of boiler room: “What do you think you’re doing, Mechanic? There’s no way out of here. We have you outnumbered, and my queen hunts very, very well.”
Mechanic, opening door to motor pool: “Listen close: start the Sno-cat closest to us, then get in the one on the end and get it running. Got it?”
Assistant: “But what about you?”
Mechanic: “Don’t mind that, just do what I said!”
Assistant runs out door.
Scientist, closer: “You can’t think you’ve saved her. She won’t survive 8 hours outside.”
Mechanic, typing at computer terminal: “You know something? Killing off maintenance workers is a very bad idea.”
Scientist, even closer: “And why is that?”
Mechanic, bringing wrench down on terminal: “Because, then no one knows how to fix your pipes.”
Scientist’s eyes go wide and soldiers run for motor pool door.
Motor pool
Door opens and Mechanic jumps into rig. Cut to interior as he throws it into gear and rams it into door as Scientist attempts to open it. Scientist's hand is severed by force.
Mechanic, jumping out and knocking on door: “Stay warm.”
Mechanic runs for running rig and jumps in beside assistant. He throws it into gear and begins driving for service tunnel exit.
Assistant: “Must go faster. Must go faster.”
Mechanic dramatically shifts and they plow through gate. Cut to exterior view as fireball balloons out behind them.
Inside of Sno-Cat
Assistant: “So now what?”
Mechanic: “No problem. We just destroyed a billion dollar facility. I’m sure they’ll send someone to see what happened. Might take a week in this weather, but they’ll get someone out here soon. The west end supply depot should have survived the blast. It’ll be a little cramped, though.”
Assistant, sliding closer: “I’m sure we’ll manage.”
Cut to exterior shot as Sno-Cat drives off. Camera zooms toward burning wreckage where severed hand leaks green blood into snow.
Cut to exterior shot as Sno-Cat drives off. Camera zooms toward burning wreckage where severed hand leaks green blood into snow.
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