Field. Deputy and
Veterinarian in back of pickup. Veterinarian is shining floodlight
across field as Deputy scans with bolt action rifle.
Veterinarian: “There's
a lot of fields in this area. What are the chances it'll show up in
this one?”
Deputy: “Well, we
can't cover them all. This is the closest to Chicken Farmer's place
and past that is Dairy Farmer's. If the skunk doubles back, we'll be
right in line.”
Veterinarian: “You
said your dad left. What happened to him?”
Deputy: “Well, you
remember how he worked at Kilowatts Bar?”
Veterinarian: “I
think I remember something about that.”
Deputy: “Well, right
after we graduated, there was an investigation. There had been a
small spill, and he had just flushed it into the river and then paid
off an inspector to look the other way. They found out about it, and
one day he just hopped into his lifted and loud yellow pickup and
drove off.”
Veterinarian: “You
mean...”
Deputy: “Yes. I
think my dad caused all of this!”
Veterinarian: “And
you said your mom died of cancer?”
Deputy: “Yes. He
killed her, too!”
Veterinarian: “Oh,
Deputy, why didn't you tell me?”
Deputy: “Because I
knew you'd come back, and I couldn't take you away from a chance at
success!”
Veterinarian: “Oh,
I'm so sorry! I've been a horrible childhood flame!”
Deputy holds
Veterinarian.
Deputy: “It's okay.
We're going to fix this whole mess. Starting with killing this
nocturnal freak. I just hope Sheriff and Dairy Farmer don't get it
first.”
Other field.
Sheriff: “See
anything?”
Dairy Farmer: “Nope.”
Sheriff: “I still
can't believe I agreed to let you in on this. Or that I let my girl
go to a dark deserted field with Deputy.”
Dairy Farmer: “I
deserve to have a shot at this. Chicken Farmer was my brother! And
face it, those two are in love.”
Sheriff: “Do you
hear that?”
Dairy Farmer: “Hear
what?”
PETA People runs
from tree-line.
PETA chick A:
“HEEELLLLPPPP!!!!”
Sheriff: “Hey!
That's Ditsy Intern!”
PETA chick A jumps
into bed of pickup. Dairy Farmer spins to aim rifle into woods.
PETA chick B and PETA guy 1 burst out of tree-line with Skunk hard on
their heels.
Skunk: “AAARRRR!!!!”
PETA guy 1:
“AAAHHHH!!!!!”
PETA chick B:
“AAAHHHH!!!!!”
Skunk lunges and
swipes PETA chick B in the back, impaling her with claws. PETA guy 1
makes it to the truck. Dairy Farmer jumps out of truck bed and
charges toward Skunk, shooting.
Sheriff: “Dairy
Farmer, ya damned fool! Get back here!”
Skunk bites PETA
chick B’s head off, then flings corpse into woods. As Dairy Farmer
charges, Skunk decapitates him with a backhand. Sheriff jumps out of
truck and grabs PETA guy 1.
Sheriff: “Get her
out of here! I’ll hold it off!”
PETA chick A: “Don't
kill it! Giant mutant carnivorous mammals are people, too!”
PETA guy 1: “Now
you're just screwin' with me.”
Sheriff shoves PETA
guy 1 into cab and grabs pump shotgun. PETA guy tries to get truck
into gear while Sheriff makes dramatic stand behind truck.
Sheriff: “Take that,
you stinking bastard!”
Skunk turns tail
toward Sheriff and truck.
Sheriff: “I said get
out of here!”
PETA guy 1: “I don’t
know how to drive stick! My Prius is an automatic!”
PETA chick A:
“Seriously? Move over!”
PETA chick A gets
truck into gear and tears off as Skunk sprays Sheriff, melting his
face off. Overspray hits tailgate of truck and starts burning holes
in it.
PETA pair drive
through field, Skunk in hot pursuit. They reach the road and Skunk
abruptly stops. As they drive off, acid eats through tires and the
skid off road into field on other side.
PETA guy 1: “BAIL!!!”
PETA pair jump from
moving truck. Truck drives into tree and promptly explodes.
Other field. Deputy
and Veterinarian’s watch has devolved into making out. Mushroom
cloud from truck flashes over tree-line.
Deputy: “Holy crap!”
Veterinarian: “What
was that?”
Deputy: “Some kind
of explosion. We’d better go check it out.”
Deputy jumps out of
bed and climbs into cab. Veterinarian starts redressing.
Veterinarian
(muttering): “I’m never getting screwed again at this rate.”
Deputy and
Veterinarian drive to other field. They spot PETA pair and drive
over.
Veterinarian: “Ditzy
Intern! You bitch! You destroyed my shelter!”
PETA guy 1: “Ditzy
Intern? Who's that?”
Deputy: “That's not
her real name?”
PETA guy 1: “No, her
name's PETA chick A.”
Deputy: “Alright,
what happened out there?”
PETA guy 1: “Giant
skunk. Killed our friends. Chased us into the field. The sheriff
and some farmer were there in a truck. The farmer went after it.
The sheriff stayed behind and told us to run. They're dead!”
Veterinarian: “Daddy?
Dead? NOOOOOO!!!!!!”
Veterinarian clings
to Deputy as he tried to comfort her.
Deputy: “That's it.
I'm gonna get this thing or die trying.”
Veterinarian: “No!
I don't want to lose you, too.”
Deputy: “I'm sorry,
but there's a wild carnivorous mutant running around my town, and I'm
the only law left. Incidentally, PETA pair, how'd you two escape?”
PETA chick 1: “It
stopped at the road. It looked scared. According to my animal psych
class, it may be due to a traumatic experience in its past. Perhaps
the poor creature's mother was squished.”
PETA guy A: “Look,
sir, I don't know much about weapons, but I think you're going to
need a bigger gun.”
Deputy: “Nah, just
need better placement. And I know just the guy.”
Deputy approaches
cabin in woods.
Deputy: “Estranged
Father!”
Estranged Father
charges out onto porch with shotgun, obviously drunk.
Estranged Father:
“How'd you find me? I came out here to be alone.”
Deputy: “It wasn't
easy.”
Estranged Father:
“Well, what'd'ya want?”
Deputy: “Your
negligence at Kilowatts Bar killed Mom and shamed our family.”
Estranged Father: “I
know that. Why do you think I spend my days getting hammered?”
Deputy: “It's killed
another 5 in the last week.”
Estranged Father:
“Five? In the last week? What'd'ya mean?”
Deputy: “A baby
skunk got into the waste. It's grown about 20 feet long and sprays
acid.”
Estranged Father: “I
don't believe you.”
Veterinarian steps
out of truck.
Veterinarian: “I
don't care if you believe it. It's true. And one of the people you
got killed was my father!”
Estranged Father:
“Sheriff's dead?”
Deputy: “Yes. And
you need to make it right!”
Estranged Father: “How
am I supposed to do that?”
Deputy: “You were
the best poacher our county ever saw. I remember the old men at the
barber shop calling you 'Deer-eye'.”
Estranged Father:
“That was before. I don't do that anymore. I live off moonshining
when I don't drink it all.”
Deputy: “Well, you
can give it a shot, or I can turn you over to the feds that've been
looking for you for the last decade.”
Estranged Father:
“Well, when you put it that way...”
Deputy: “Look, I
brought you something.”
Deputy reaches into
back seat and withdraws an obviously old bolt action rifle.
Estranged Father: “You
kept Matilda?”
Deputy: “Of course I
did. It was the only thing you left us.”
Estranged Father: “Are
you sure? I could have sworn I left you an old guitar. And possibly
a bottle of booze.”
Deputy: “It was
empty.”
Insert montage of
Estranged Father sobering/cleaning up and practicing shooting.
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