First, let me say I have nothing against the Kingsport Police Department.

Yes, that is always a fun way to start a story.

The KPD officers I have dealt with have been courteous and professional.  They've even been somewhat friendly, and I suspect the "professional" part is what keeps them from being more so.

Their office staffers, on the other hand...

Sunday night--or, rather Monday morning--at about 0035, I drove through an intersection and saw the police cruiser coming the other direction turn around and follow me.  I immediately looked down at my speedometer, having on occasion traveled at speeds above the speed limit.  I was going about 43 mph in a 45 mph zone.

My initial thought was that I had been going suspiciously slow for midnight on an empty street.  Furthermore, I have trouble maintaining a consistent speed, especially when tired.  I am a firm believer that maintaining consistent speeds is what God created cruise control for.  Sadly, the Flying Dodgeman has not had functional cruise control in about two years and some change (a story for another time).

When the officer finally flipped on the blue lights, I was still baffled as to the cause of this interaction with local law enforcement.  I rolled down my window and the courteous, professional and somewhat friendly officer informs me that my diver's side headlight is nonfunctional.

If anyone is actually reading this, I should probably explain that Stone Drive/US-11 through Kingsport is lighted at night like high noon.  In fact the only thing more lit up at 0030 on a weekend is the patronage of Hog Wild Saloon about halfway down said roadway.  As a result, I had failed to notice that somewhere between the parking lot of my place of employment and this traffic stop, my headlight had stopped shining.

The officer handed me a little paper with a little date at the bottom.  By October 15th, I have to comply with the city's light ordinances and have the ticket cancelled, contest the ticket (and most probably lose and have to comply with the ordnance) or cough up $88.75 (and still have to comply with the ordnance).

The officer further informed me that they prefer to dismiss these citations by having the individual show proof of compliance.  Said proof consists of fixing the headlight, driving to the police station, having an officer check the lights, and have the clerk pull the ticket out of the system.

Monday, I drove to the local AutoZone (my favorite retail establishment, according to my receipts) and acquired a replacement bulb for my headlight.  When I removed the headlight housing from the front of the Dodgeman, however, the light miraculously healed itself.

Due to some unseen events, I was unable to drive to the station that day, so Tuesday, I drive to the Justice Center.  I enter the building and find myself in a queue with little bowls for everything in my pockets to pass through an X-ray and a metal detector for me at the end of the line.  I start to stick my wallet in the bowl, then have a thought.  I look at the officer.

Me:  "That sign behind me says 'no knives', doesn't it?"

Her:  "Yes."

Me:  "There's a pocket knife in my wallet.  I probably need to take that back out to my car, huh?"

Her:  "Yes."

Out to the car, drop my Tool Logic CC2SB and, as an after thought, my Swiss Tech Utili Key in my console, then back to the lobby.

Me (smiling):  "I think I'm ready this time."

Her:  **Less-than-amused look**

Me:  "Umm, I need to get my headlights looked at."

Her:  "Through those doors, all the way to the end, pick up the phone."

It is never encouraging to find two men already sitting there, apparently settled in for the long haul.  Forty-five minutes later, an officer appears and asks who is waiting for a police officer.  By now, there are four of us there, all of whom raise his (or in one case, her) hand.  The officer blinks, then asks who is first.  Grudgingly, I point to the man who had been waiting for over 2 hours.

About this time, I realize that waiting any longer may result in tardiness at my place of employment.  I approach the clerk's desk and let her know that I need to be going and will come back later.  She informs me that, while the clerks will not be here when I finish my shift at 0130, there will be officers here who can check my lights at that time.

At approximately 0040, I arrive at the Justice Center once more and inform the central dispatcher that I need a light check.  About 15 minutes later, an officer appears with a puzzled look on his face.

Me:  "I need to get my headlight checked."

Him:  "Well, I can, but I won't be able to do anything."

Me:  "Seriously?"

Him:  "Yes.  It's illegal for me to modify those records.  Only clerks are authorized.  It's so I can't get in there at night and fix all my buddies' tickets or anything like that."

Me:  "I can understand that.  However, the clerk said I could come by tonight and have it checked out."

Him:  "Well, we could, but I wouldn't be able to do anything."

Me:  "Argh.  There isn't a form you can fill out and sign or anything?"

Him:  "No.  Sorry.  She was probably one of our part-timers."

So, back again tomorrow.

Burgleflickle!!!