Addiction

Hi, my name’s Ethan, and I’m a B-movie-holic.

I’ve been clean for a month.  I last watched a Michael Madsen action flick one Sunday afternoon.

It’s been a struggle, but I simply decided I had better things to do with my time.  Some days my girls wear me out, and all I want to do is retreat to the bedroom with my Kindle.

I watch a couple episodes of Grimm every couple weeks, though.  It’s kind of a methadone for B horror.

All this to say I cannot believe the stupidity of a person who managed to accidentally off himself trying to get into rehab.

According to NPR (I really need to stop listening to that), a 31-year-old man got addicted to his prescription anxiety meds.  After a couple years, he decided he needed to clean up.  Unfortunately, he didn’t have insurance and couldn’t afford a thousand-dollar-a-day private clinic.

So, he applied for insurance, got it, and tried to check in to a public clinic.  Unfortunately, they had a one month waiting list.  At the end of the month, he was told he actually had to fail a pee test to get in.  So he told his mother he had to take some of his drugs, went to sleep on a couch, and never woke up.

That sucks.

First off, how much did you take?!?!  I mean, for the love of all things holy, all it would have taken is a single Xanax to make you test positive.  I understand overkill (you should see me build bookshelves), and you could have taken two to make sure you lit it up.  But to kill yourself, you had to have had half a dozen or more.

My big question is, though, if you were clean on your own for a month, why did you feel the need for rehab?  According to a government study, 86% of cocaine users kick it without any clinical or legal intervention.  How does the .gov define not being addicted?  Not having used it in a month.  Your own government calls you clean, dude!  You don’t need to apply to a rehab program as a patient…you need to apply to it as a counselor.

After my abysmal performance during the Dot’s sedated MRI, the Shieldmaiden insisted I go get some pharmaceutical intervention for the Dot’s surgery.  I got clonazepam.  Given that I cannot refrain from eating an entire Pringles can in two servings, I decided to ask for the smallest number of pills I could.  I got six to take half a pill up to three times a day for four days, which I suspect is the record smallest benzodiazepine prescription that pharmacy has ever filled.  I figure if I watched three episodes of Heroes a day on Netflix until I finished the series (which totally jumped the shark at season two, and I very much regret watching any further), then God only knows what I would do with a thirty-day prescription of Diet Valium.

If you got clean on your own for a month, you do not need to slink into a clinic convinced of your own helplessness.  You need to [redacted] walk tall.  Be proud, my friend.  You have more willpower than I, that’s for sure.

What killed this man is the conviction throughout this country that no one can do anything for themselves.  Everyone needs professional help.  From roto-rootering your drains to teaching your own [redacted] kid to ride a bike, you can hire anything out.

At the very least, use an escalation of force.  If you go a week clean on your own, try making it two.  Make it a month, and you’re probably free (right there with the 86% of the population that can kick crack on their own).

If you can’t do it on your own, try amateur help.  For one thing, it’s free and for another, there’s no waiting list.  Need to kick a chemical dependence?  Go join [Insert Your Addiction Here] Anonymous.  Plus, even if you can make a month without [IYAH]A, you should probably be there, anyway, to lend your wisdom to others.

Make professional help your last option.  The old saying is, “When seconds count, cops are only minutes away.”  In this case, if you’re in crisis, professional help is a month away.  You might as well be waiting for a knee replacement in Canada.  Why not try something in the meantime?  If nothing else, if it turns out you can succeed on your own or with [IYAH]A, then you’ll at least save a copay.