Polar Croc

A lone Eskimo crosses a frozen landscape on a dog sled. To the left, a crevasse opens, blowing snow into the air. The Eskimo pulls the reins and goes over to investigate. As he crouches down to peer inside the crevasse, the dogs whimper and turn restless. Seeing nothing, he turns to the dogs.

Eskimo 1: “Easy boys, there’s nothing in here. See?” Points his arm into the crevasse.

Suddenly, his arm is pulled into the crevasse. After a brief struggle, the Eskimo pulls back, missing his arm. He falls onto the ice.

Eskimo 1: “AAAAAHHHH!!!”

Zoom out as the Eskimo is pulled by his legs into the crevasse.

Lobby of Park building

Park Ranger: “Look, I can’t let you go out there. Your uncle’s probably just hit a snag.”

Eskimo chick: “But the storm front’s moving in!”

Ranger: “I know there’s a front on the way. That’s why I can’t let you go.”

Eskimo chick: “If we don’t find him by the time it hits, he’ll never have a prayer.”

Ranger: “Your uncle is the best half-crazy recluse I’ve ever met. And I’ve met a lot of them. Come to think of it, most of them shortly before they disappeared in that neck of the woods, never to be seen again. Seems like that should make me ask more questions, but I’m a government employee.”

Eskimo chick: “If he dies, I’ll never forgive you.”

Ranger: “Just go sit over there with that pipeline protestor, his slutty girlfriend, the stuffy businessman, the ruggedly handsome scientist and the South American guy who won’t take off his overcoat.”

Eskimo chick: “Okay, but if a nun and rabbi walk in, I’m leaving.”

Lobby

Eskimo chick: “So what makes you keep looking?”

Cryptozoologist: “I know it sounds crazy, but I’m convinced there are animals out there nobody’s seen.”

Ranger: “Look, the only thing that’s out there is a lot of ice and snow.”

Hippie: “And not as much of it as there used to be!”

Eskimo chick: “You do know that the Arctic ice pack is up 10 million square kilometers this year, right?”

Hippie: “That’s just what big oil pays a bunch of scientists to say!”

Stuffy businessman: “I am big oil! We don't pay our scientists jack. It all goes to our engineers. And I don't have to stand for this. I'm leaving.”

Ranger: “You can't leave! It's 40 below out there!”

Stuffy businessman: “Watch me.”

Stuffy businessman walks out door.

Lobby

Stuffy Businessman's body is smeared across windows.

Slutty girlfriend: “Why is this happening no? To us?”

Hippie: “It’s global warming! It’s thawing out the polar ice cap. Who knows what unholy creatures are frozen in this wasteland!”

Eskimo chick: “You do know there has been no increase in global temperature since 1998, right?”

Hippie: “It’s only going to get worse as the caps continue to melt!”

Eskimo chick: “10 million square kilometers.”

Hippie: “I can't hear you. Lalalalala.”

Suspicious: “Maybe they drilled into a cave while they were setting up the pipeline.”

Crypto: “Or it could just be that Alaska is over 600,000 square miles. That’s a lot of land no one’s ever seen. Stands to reason there’s an animal or two no one’s ever seen out here, too.”

Eskimo chick (in chilling deadpan): “Especially if it kills everyone who comes across it.”

Crypto: “Exactly.”

Ranger (walking out of office): “I think you should see something. I don't think it's just happening now, after all.”

Office

Group gathers around desk with antiquated log books spread out all over it.

Ranger: “See, people have been disappearing around here ever since they opened this station. This station has more failed search and rescue missions than any other. I don't know why no one's ever put this together.”

Crypto: “Umm, the same government efficiency that put 15 chalets in an area unfit for human habitation? And probably paid $5000 a square foot?”

Eskimo chick: “So how does a cold-blooded creature like that function in cold?”

Hippie: “It’s getting warmer! I keep telling you! I’m super cereal!”

Eskimo chick: “1998! Fifteen years!”

Hippie: “Lies and heresies.”

Crypto: “Would you two quit? Look, there’s a lot of fish that live in absurd temperatures in the ocean. They’re cold-blooded, too.”

Main lobby of lodge

Everyone: “AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!”

Croc: “Rawwwrrr!!!!

Eskimo chick: “What do we do?”

Hippie: “I know!” breaks case open and grabs fire extinguisher “I’ll cool him down! With his cold-blooded system, he’ll go into hibernation!”

Crypto: “You don’t see a problem with this plan? Trying to freeze an Arctic creature?”

Hippie: “I know what I’m doing! I made a C in Bio 1120!”

Croc bites Hippie in half, eating the bottom and throwing the top across the room in a gratuitously bloody gesture.

Ranger: “Oh my God, it killed Hippie!”

Crypto: “That bastard!”

Ranger: “Look, I’ll distract it.” Throws hippie’s slutty girlfriend towards it.

Slutty: “Ahhhh!!!!” Gets viciously dismembered.

Ranger: “It worked! Now everyone run for the bathroom!”

Group dashes to restroom door. Polar croc snaps at Suspicious guy’s coat, snagging it. Group pulls Suspicious out of coat, over his protests.

Inside the bathroom

Eskimo chick: “That thing had a knife sticking out of its jaw. I recognized the handle.”

Crypto: “Oh, no…”

Eskimo chick: “Uncle Eskimo…”

Crypto: “I’m so sorry. I just want you to know I’m here to take advantage of your emotional state.”

Eskimo chick: “I appreciate that.”

Suspicious: “I wish I was dead. The cartel will kill me once they find out I lost the jacket.”

Ranger: “You’re a smuggler?!?!”

Crypto: “Really? You’re just now figuring that out?”

Eskimo chick: “Yeah, why did you think everyone was avoiding him?”

Ranger: “I don’t get it! Precisely how was sneaking 100 pounds of marijuana from Mexico into the US by way of Russia and a hike across the Behring Straight the easiest way to do things?”

Suspicious: “I don’t know! I’m a loser dumb enough to let a guy cram 5 kilos of heroin up my--!”

Ranger: “Quiet!”

Crypto: “Seriously? I’m pretty sure it knows we’re in here.”

Ranger: “Then why has it stopped hitting at the door?”

Lobby

Bathroom door slowly opens and Ranger steps outside. As he stares, Polar Croc turns, eyes wide. Croc takes step towards the door, then falls. Ranger slowly walks up to snout, then gingerly nudges it with foot. Crypto steps outside.

Crypto: “What the crap?”

Ranger: “I don’t get it.”

Crypto shines flash light into Croc’s eyes.

Crypto: “His pupils…they’re fixed… and dilated.”

Ranger: “Almost like he’s…”

Eskimo chick: “…stoned?” Holds up Suspicious’s shredded coat.

Crypto: “Watch what you eat, I guess.”

Ranger: “How long do you think it’s going to be out?”

Crypto: “Well, he’s about 30 feet long, so with an unknown body mass, no way of knowing the dosage and a complete lack of understanding how his metabolism functions, yet somehow I still feel quite confident in saying 30 minutes.”

Ranger: “Well, I suggest we not be around when he wakes up.”

Eskimo: “And where do you suggest we go? We’re still in the middle of a whiteout.”

Crypto walks to fire ax in glass case. He returns with the ax and with gory efficiency, decapitates the creature as other characters look on in shock.

Crypto (wiping blood from face): “Or we could just kill it while it's incapacitated.”

Ranger: “I thought you wanted to protect rare animals.”

Crypto: “I want to study them. I can study a dead animal if I'm alive. It doesn't work so well the other way around.”

Ranger: “You just eradicated an endangered species! In a US Parks building! How am I supposed to explain that in my incident report?”

Crypto: “Just put that I protected the area polar bears.”

Park Chalet

Eskimo chick: “At least these chalets are decent. And we have it all to ourselves.”

Crypto: “Where did Ranger go, anyway?”

Eskimo chick: “I heard Suspicious say something about still having a few baggies left.”

Long romantic pause as they sit in front on fire place.

Eskimo chick: “I'm glad you decided to stay.”

Crypto: “Well, there's 12 feet of snow everywhere, so I'm not sure I had any options. But if it helps me get lucky...”

Eskimo chick: “Thank you for avenging my uncle. I know it must have gone against every fiber of you to kill the last of a kind.”

Crypto: “I know a good geneticist. I figure we can always clone it. That way we can study it under controlled circumstances.”

Eskimo chick: “I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong with that.”