Worst. Scam. Ever.

It's hard to decide on the worst scam in the country.  There's so many to choose from these days.  The Nigerian 419 is among the most popular to hate, and, in fact, predates the internet.  Then there's the online pharmacies of dubious legality offering viagra and penile enlargement pills.  Then there's the less-than-legitimate sweepstakes.

This, however, takes the crown:

The above is the paper prayer rug sent to me by the "Churches of St. Matthew."  Somewhere, St. Matthew's corpse is rolling over.

According to the accompanying literature, if I pray while kneeling on this, eventually I will begin to see Christ's eyes open.  Furthermore, if I spend the night in prayer on this rug, God will bless me by curing my ills, granting me money, and generally fixing my life.  In the morning, I need to mail it back immediately so that they can send it on to someone else.  Apparently, part of the miracle is that this thing gets mailed to so many people who pray, sweat, and cry over it, yet it keeps looking like it was freshly printed.

Oh, and if I deprive another soul of this blessing by having it under my roof for longer than 24 hours, God will curse me.

Also, be sure to include a donation of whatever size the Spirit leads you to make.  Miss Jane Doe of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, sent us her last $200, and God gave her $32,000!  And her arthritis was cured!

This is the second time that they've sent one of these to me.  This is the second time "Y'know y'all are goin' to hell for this." has crossed my mind.

The last time I had one of these, I mailed it to the student for disposal.  Anyone who has disposed of a bobble-headed Jesus should know how to properly dispose of a paper prayer rug with a picture of Jesus that opens his eyes without being possessed by the demon such disposal might free.

After burning this rather absurd piece of paper, I replied this time stating that they either had more courage than I ever will or are possessed of a level of insanity I hope I never have.

I have found that when I do not have the proper words for a sentiment, I can often turn to that great philosopher of our time, Bob Dylan.  Since the student's bobble head takes the "It's alright, Ma" line:


As human gods aim for their mark
Make everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It’s easy to see without looking too far
That not much is really sacred

I will have to settle for the following "Masters of War" line:

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul

Just a thought.