Spants!!!

And in one of the more clever balloon animals I've seen, this is someone's submission for Halloween this year:

Life in the lab

Of course, if one is as obsessive as myself, one will note that there are only 6 legs.  Which caused some discussion on night shift as to what the explanation was.  Someone suggested that maybe it was actually a black ant.  At that point, I noted that it had only two body segments, and posited the idea that perhaps it was a cross between an ant and a spider.  Having seen a fair amount of really bad sci-fi in my time, I decided I could run with this idea.  So here it is, my second official screen play:

SPANTS

Scene I

A brightly lit, sterile looking laboratory

Hot but ditzy graduate assistant: “Dr. Whackjob has developed this new solution which weakens the chemical composition of the insects DNA. He hopes to find a way to prevent them from reproducing, or even to stop the cells of the adults from replicating. Or something like that. He made a lot more sense in bed last night.”

Corrupt government inspector: “What is this random jar of spiders for?”

Assistant: “Oh, Dr. W likes spiders.”

Inspector, leaving: “Incidentally…”

Assistant: “Oh, right, your bribe.” Hands over wad of cash.

Inspector: “Um, I don’t take bribes.”

Assistant: “Oh, I meant administrative fee.”

Inspector: “Much better.” Counts cash, then pockets it. “Well, all the enclosures look secure to me.”

Scene II

Dimly lit laboratory.

Night janitor, mopping floor and knocking over jar of spiders: “Aw, crap.”

Spiders escape and run across floor

Janitor: “Double crap”

Spiders break into ant enclosures and start screwing the queens.

Janitor: “Well that can't be good.”

Scene III

Brightly lit laboratory, next day.

Dr. Whackjob: “Where the crap did my spiders go?”

Assistant: “Like, IDK”

Dr. W: “Aw crap, they’re in the ant enclosures. I knew I shouldn’t have scrimped on the seals.”

Assistant: “OMG.”

Dr. W: “If you weren't so good in bed, I wouldn't put up with you.”

Dr. W and Assistant clean out ant enclosures, hampered by his constant perusal of her butt each time she bends over.

Assistant: “Doctor, do these ants look fat to you?”

Dr. W: “Who cares, let’s go wax the desk in my office.”

Scene IV

Night janitor enters looking down, walks into big web.

Janitor: “What the...”

Fire ant drops down on line in front of janitor’s face.

Zoom to door. Screams echo down hall.

Scene V

Dr. W and assistant enter lab next morning.

Assistant, walking funny: “Wow, what a night.” Sees mop laying on floor. “Is that Frank’s mop?”

Dr. W: “Frank?”

Assistant: “The night janitor.”

Dr. W: “You know him from somewhere?”

Assistant: “He used to come and work on my plumbing.”

Dr. W raises eyebrow.

Assistant: “Oh, that came out wrong.”

Dr. W: “Really.”

Assistant: “Well, he has a huge plunger.”

Dr. W looks up and sees janitor’s desiccated corpse hanging in web above head.

Dr. W: “Had”

Assistant: “Had?”

Dr. W: “Had a huge plunger.”

Assistant looks up. Ants start to drop from ceiling on lines.

Zoom to door. Screams echo down hall.

Scene VI

ICU room.

Instrument: “Beep. Beep.”

Handsome, chiseled young doctor: “It would help if I knew what inflicted these injuries.”

Grizzled sheriff: “I don’t rightly know. All he kept moaning was ‘Spants’. Sounded like a danged record.”

Doctor: “Well, it reminds me of my days with medico sans frontiers.”

Sheriff: “Medi-whazzit?”

Doctor: “Doctor’s with out borders. I was in the Amazon River Basin.”

Sheriff: “That near Stinkin’ Creek?”

Doctor: “In the rainforest. These bite marks look like the army ants. But an ant big enough to amputate a man’s leg would have to be 7.4 meters long.”

Sheriff: “Ampu-huh?”

Doctor: “Cut off.” Rolls eyed and continues. “And this stuff looks like tarantula web. But I’ve never seen web this thick. This would take a spider 12.3 meters long.”

Sheriff: “So you’re telling me that we have a gang of insects including a 7.4 something long ant and a 12.3 something spider?”

Doctor: “Well, a spider is an arachnid, not an insect.”

Sheriff: “Boy, don’t make me knock the far outta you.”

Scene VII

Sheriff’s office

Graduate assistant’s bookwormy-but-hot-in-a-girl-next-door-sort-of-way sister: “Sob! Why won’t you tell me what happened to her?!?”

Sheriff: “We don’t know.”

Sister: “Then why aren’t you out looking for her?!?”

Sheriff: “’Taint been 24 hours.”

Sister: “That’s not actually law and you know it.”

Sheriff: “Woman! Go back to the breakroom and get me a doughnut!”

Sister: “Up yours banjo-player!” Storms out, slamming door.

Young, rakishly handsome deputy: “Wait miss!”

Sister, turning on sidewalk: “What!”

Deputy: “Look, I’m sorry my boss is a sexist jerk. I’ll help you.”

Sister: “Thank you, but I’m gonna go it alone.”

Deputy (who has seen a lot of sci-fi): “Well, when you need me to dramatically rescue you, just scream.”

Scene VIII

Abandoned warehouse which happens to be connected by sewer to lab.

Sister, trapped in web with spants advancing toward her: “Help! I need to be dramatically rescued!”

ICU Doc, bursting in: “I figured out what happened! The spiders and ants crossbred! They made Spants!”

Sister, rolling eyes: “Do tell.”

ICU doc: “I brought Dr. W from the hospital! He’s perfected his formula!”

Sister: “He’s awake?!?”

Dr. W, hobbling in: “I woke up just in time to finish my research and to atone for what I did.”

Sister: “What did you do? Where’s my sister?”

Dr. W, in voiceover with flashback footage of him locking his assistant in fuzzy handcuffs and shoving her into the queen spant’s maw: “I…I sacrificed her selfishly to escape.”

Sister: “Noooooo!!!!”

Dr. W: “I know, but I’m here to atone for my deeds by heroically sacrificing myself to save the town.”

Sister, as fire spants start biting: “Kill them! Kill them!”

ICU doc: “With what?”

Sister, rolling eyes: “The spray, moron!”

ICU doc: “We can't, we've only just submitted it for EPA approval. The FDA won't get their sample until next month!”

Sister: “Okay, now you're just screwing with me.”

ICU doc: “Just because I have a highly developed sense of responsibility...”

Dr. W, muttering: “I'll bet that's the only thing well developed on you.”

Deputy, bursting through wall in tank: “Enough of this crap!” To the people in the halftrack rolling in behind: “Light it up boys!”

ICU doc: “Where did you get a tank??”

Deputy, unslinging rifle: “Same place I got these sweet mint-condition flamethrowers. The army hasn’t restocked our National Guard armory since Korea. I think they forgot we even had one. Billy there so scored a Tommy gun!”

Sister, bitten by first spant: “Ahhhhhh!”

Deputy, unsheathing machete: “I’m coming!” Hacks through web and retreats with cocooned Sister over his shoulder, shooting dozens of spants with uncanny accuracy and no need to reload with his recently acquired pistol. “Light it up!”

Billy and other friends: “On it!” Proceed to torch hive.

Queen spant, charging out of the dark to avenge her disintegrating hive: “Raaaarrrrr!”

ICU doc: “Wow, that thing is at least 7.4 meters tall.  And 12.3 meters long.”

Deputy: “Crap! My flamethrower’s out!”

Other guys: “Ours too!”

Deputy: “What horrible and yet unsurprising development!”

Billy, emptying tommy gun: “And bullets don't hurt it!”

Deputy: “Saw that one coming, too!” Fires tank cannon: “Neither do shells! I must admit that one is kinda surprising!”

Dr. W: “My chance to redeem myself!” Seizes can and stumbles toward Queen.

Sister: “Won’t that weaken the DNA more and make further mutations more likely?”

ICU doc: “Don’t ask inconvenient questions. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.”

Dr. W, throwing himself into Queen’s pincers and getting cut in half: “Arrrgh!”

ICU doc: “Oh no! He dropped the can!”

Deputy, dramatically jacking a round into the chamber of his rifle: “I got it!” Aims at can and fires.

Can not only bursts but explodes into a 100 foot ball of flame. Queen perishes screaming in pain.

Scene XIX

Heroes burst through wall clinging to various places on the tank, Deputy standing tall in the turret with Sister clinging romantically to him.

Sister: “Thank you for saving me, Deputy. Lets get married and have lots of sex and kids. Also, what is your name?”

ICU doc: “What about me? I really thought we had a connection.”

Sister: “Well, the thing is, Deputy’s not an idiot.”

ICU doc: “Well, screw you! I’m gonna go occupy Wall Street!”

Billy, looking forlornly at burning warehouse: “Well, there goes my half-track.”

George: “It's okay, there's three more at the armory. And I'm getting the Jenny to replace my old crop duster.”

Billy, brightening: “You're right! Coming Deputy? We're off to misappropriate some government property!

Deputy: “I'll be along later. Remember I called dibs on the Willy’s!” To Sister: “Do you want anything?”

Sister, looking dopily into Deputy’s eyes: “I have all I want.”

Deputy and Sister walk into sunset as credits roll.

Epilogue

Large cockroach stumbles out of building with egg sac stuck to carapace.

Coming soon:  Spants II:  Sproach